A Super Skimpy Week 14 in the NFL : There’s a strange Brown stain on the Terrible Towel
where…
…what I wouldn’t have given to be at that KC/BUF game!
…as of today, the entire AFC South is in the hunt for a playoff spot!
…Dom Capers tried a 1-5-5 defensive alignment aptly named Psycho!
…beyond belief!
the wade phillips memorial 4th and goal go for it in the first quarter…
The big question from the weekend was whether or not Randy Moss “quit” on Tom Brady and the Patriots. Quit? Not even close. We’ve seen Randy Moss quit before in Oakland, and quitting for Randy means quite literally…quitting. As in, not even dressing for the games anymore, so Randy really didn’t quit on Sunday. Did Randy take run plays off? Of course. Did he not sell out on a route a few times when he thought he wouldn’t get the ball? Sure. Was he frustrated all game due to Chris Gamble jamming him at the line and playing pretty tough coverage defense? Of course. That’s the way you play Moss. All of the above is the complete Randy Moss Experience, but he didn’t quit and one would get the feeling the Panthers won the game reading Chris Gamble’s post game comments. The thing about Randy is that he is a transcendent talent, and if you shut him down for 24 plays, he will usually burn you for an 80-yard touchdown on the 25th play. He didn’t on Sunday, but the Pats won the game. New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis shut Randy down twice this season, but the Jets only won one of those games. I’m a little concerned that Gamble and the other trash-talking Panthers might have kicked a sleeping dog. This is the exact kind of motivation that Bill Belichick and the other Pats need to unleash a batch of Mike Tomlin Fiery Hell on the NFL. Maybe the Panthers motivated the Patriots on purpose so that the NFL playoffs will be even more exciting while they are sitting at home in January watching the games and wondering who the new head coach will be or if the NFL will move their team to London. Great job Panthers!
…appropriately stuffed at the goal line!
ps…
Rest in peace Chris Henry. Your life ended as it existed, one wild ride. Hopefully you’ve found the peace you couldn’t find in this life
Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 13 in the NFL : Adam Schefter is the first to report that there are two undefeated teams and a to-be-named-later head coach is on the hot seat
where...
…I almost had tickets to the CHI/STL game!
…you’ve been flexed, New England Patriots!
…Vince Young plays great and only cries once!
…The Browns play a game and manage to always have 11 men on the field!
…Gary Kubiak should have been fired immediately after Chris Brown’s pick!
…The Pride of Pittsburg, Bruce Gradkowski, returns to raid and pillage his hometown!
…let’s not forget there was a NYJ/BUF game on Thursday! Actually, forget that happened!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
Well Mike, I’m not really sure what kind of hell the Steelers unleashed on Sunday, but it wasn’t the really scary kind of hell. It was more like the kind of hell that a tiny kitten might dream up during a mid-afternoon nap. The Steelers didn’t even unleash enough hell to beat the Raiders, which doesn’t take a whole lot of unleashing, really. It might seem though you were being cautious and double-leashing the hell you control Mike, because it seems as though if you unleashed any hell at all (even a little bit), the Steelers would have been able to beat the Raiders. It was more like the Steelers opened up a can of purgatory on the Raiders’ asses. Just a whole lot of not doing much, really.
December is a special month as it includes many great traditions such as gift giving and receiving, good will towards man, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and the total collapse of the Dallas Cowboys. That tradition was officially uncorked in Week 13 as the New York Giants (who hadn’t won a football game in 40+ days) stomped the Cowboys in every way imaginable as Wade Philips stared on in disbelief and an assistant eventually had to use string to keep his mouth from hanging open and drool from pouring out of the corners. Indicative of the “Christmas Creep” the Cowboys traditional December slide actually started the last week of November this year as Tony Romo took some personal time to go to Vegas with some of his Cow boys. Miles Austin was even photographed flashing his huge, Baraka-esque smile with a cocktail waitress under each arm. Great Job Tony, Miles, Wade and the rest of the Cowboys! Great job! This is the exact kind of thing all the Colts and Saints are doing right now as well. Quality ownership creates a quality organization which creates a quality football team. Great job Jerry Jones!
It looks like everyone’s fashionable Super Bowl pick and in-general dream team, the Minnesota Vikings, aren’t as great as many people thought. I almost jumped on board that bandwagon, but then I thought about the fact that their offense is centered around a running back with a forced “chosen one” identity and a proven history of multi-fumble games, a 40-year-old quarterback who has looked 32 all season but can turn 49-years-old in a matter of seconds (or at the drop of a few degrees), and Brad Childress with his Hackers headset. That’s a pretty shaky trio to headline a potential Super Bowl team. Has anyone forgotten how Brett’s last few seasons have ended? With tears, and lots and lots of interceptions, that’s how they’ve ended.
Matt Forte revealed to a Chicago newspaper that he has had a hamstring issue since training camp, which could be a reason why he has had such a statistically poor season for the Chicago Bears. Really Matt? This sounds a lot like “the dog ate my homework.” An excuse for having no excuse really. The real problem you are experiencing this season Matt is that as an NFL running back you lack the speed, power, quickness, explosiveness and overall skills required to even be a low-level running back. You look like a CFL running back in the NFL Matt. But let’s humor this hamstring issue for one second. You say it’s been lingering since training camp Matt, but I find that hard to believe. That would mean your hamstring never healed through the months of inactivity you had at the beginning of the season when Jay Cutler was chucking 55 passes a game. It’s December now Matt. If you’ve had a hamstring issue since August, then the Chicago Bears trainers are the worst in the business, and your hamstring has probably detached from your leg by now and is bunched up somewhere near your knee joint. That’s my best guess.
…touchdown!
extra point…
That whole business I wrote last week about the NFL needing Bill Belichick, yeah…you can ignore that. Just pretend you never read it. It is waay too much fun to watch the once iron-willed New England Patriots come apart at the seams. The best is yet to come as they limp through December and back into the playoffs as a three seed only to get humiliated at home by a wild card. My vote right now is Tennessee.
Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 12 in the NFL : Seriously, Chris Johnson now has three runs of 85 yards or more in a season. No other running back in the history of the NFL has had more than that in a career. He’s good.
where...
…Vince Young still owns Matt Leinart’s football team!
…the Jaguars have been outscored 61–3 on west coast road trips!
…the Dolphins disgraced football by absolutely quitting during the Bills game!
…ESPN’s Adam Schefter is the first to report that he is the first to report something!
…you just can’t give Chris Redman 28 chances at the goal line, he will make you pay!
…the whimpering, wilting Texans crap away another big game, great job Gary Kubiak!
…Bud Adams says “eff you” Jeff Fisher and takes credit for Vince Young's playing time!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
I’ve had a deep–seated hate/fear/respect thing going on for Bill Belichick for years now. I hate his smug, cranky demeanor in press conferences. I hate his brazen 4th–and–go–for–it strategy which flies in the face of traditional football wisdom. I fear his defensive schemes and his faith in his quarterback and I ultimately respect him for all of the above. It’s a very confusing relationship which got even weirder on Monday night. If you had told me prior to Monday that Bill Belichick’s team would be utterly humiliated on prime time television (starting with his once legendary offensive and defensive lines), that Bill would look like a tiny, deflated man walking off the field and that he would be reduced to near tears in the postgame press conference; I would have assumed that all of this would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, nearly giddy. I didn’t feel that way though. Bill showed us that he does have a streak of humanity left inside his cold demeanor, and I couldn’t hate him after that. NFL fans, like residents of Gotham City, deserve a better class of villain than a defeated old man wearing what appeared to be pajamas while he stood at the podium and admitted that the Saints were better–coached, better–prepared and executed their game plan better than his team. Bill even pulled his starters with over four minutes left in the game. Last week they were still trying to hit Randy Moss deep with two minutes left in a blowout victory. Suck it up Bill, we love to hate you. Be the despicable little man we need you to be. In professional wrestling, the most talented personas are the most despised heels. It’s easy to like a guy when he comes out with an American flag draped over his shoulders, kisses babies and has a golden, flowing mullet. The heels we truly hate are actually working hardest in the ring to ensure that no side of their humanity slips out and they stay in character. Stay in character Bill. The NFL needs every Million Dollar Man and Ravishing Rick Rude it can get.
Steelers coach Mike Tomlin may have said that his team will “unleash hell on the NFL,” but I believe its already happened Mike. Tennessee Titans defensive end and longtime NFL dirt bag and cheap–shot artist Kyle Vanden Bosch was shown during the Titans/Cardinals game to have glowing red devil eyes. It was so obvious and disturbing that commentator Tim Ryan stopped mid–sentence to say, “my God, look at those eyes,” followed by several seconds of bone chilling silence as Vanden Bosch gazed straight ahead like a minotaur from hell. Pinhead, Kane and the demon from Paranormal Activity would have been scared right to Sunday church service if they had witnessed such a thing. Vanden Bosch said after the game that he pretends every NFL quarterback is Jesus, and that he will only stop sacking quarterbacks when the streets of America run red with the blood of the innocent. Great job Kyle! Also disturbing is the fact that Vince Young appears to be “getting” the whole NFL quarterback thing which is another sign that Vanden Bosch’s world wide apocalypse of death is looming some time in the near future.
There was absolutely no tryptophan needed on Thanksgiving to settle in for a long afternoon’s nap. The combined scores of the three turkey day games was 84–25. Whoa. The Packers and Broncos helped themselves to a bit of standings stuffing in the form of the Lions and Giants, keeping their playoff hopes alive while the Cowboys kicked off their annual December swoon with one last less–than–memorable romp of the Raiders. Dallas dreamboat quarterback Tony Romo plans to avoid the dreaded holiday weight gain by scrambling for his life for the next month and throwing ill–advised interceptions to NFC West foes that he must then chase down and tackle. Great job Tony! You really kicked up your undeserved pompousness and hate ability through the month of November for one of your greatest December collapses of all time, I can feel it. Tony, you are the very definition of a douche bag crossed with an asshat.
The NFL will not be complete until backup quarterback extraordinaire Chris Redman is the full-time starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins. Why not? If our nation’s capitol is allowed to have an NFL team known as the Redskins, then we must appoint a quarterback with a self-parodying name to lead the team. In fact, let’s just throw political correctness out the window for the other 31 NFL teams as we do for the Redskins. The Indianapolis Colts should now be known as the Indy Crackers. The Atlanta Falcons should become the Atlanta Black Guys. The Seahawks should become the Seattle Suicides. The Jacksonville Jaguars should become the Los Angeles Cougars. The Chicago Bears should be known as the Chicago Drunken Polocks. The Tennessee Titans can become the Nashville Kissing Cousins. The Giants can become the New York Football Jews. The Philly Eagles will be the South Philly White Trashers. The Lions should be the Detroit Homeless and the bay area can honor its Asian influence by changing San Fran from the 49ers to the Yellow Rice Bowls and the Oakland Raiders to the Oakland 10% Discounts. It can go on and on. Offended? You should be. None of this is okay, including the Washington Redskins. That entire organization, especially owner Daniel Snyder, is a black eye on the NFL. It’s a disgrace, and we should be ashamed of ourselves for allowing it to continue. Somebody should send the Redskins ownership some H1N1 infected blankets.
…touchdown!
extra point…
What is up with injured quarterbacks being listed as backup or third string quarterbacks for game day? One is either injured and can’t play, or not injured and can play, right? Kyle Orton and Big Ben have both had this designation, even though Orton was getting around like a mummy with a high ankle sprain and Ben’s brain was injured. There is about a 93% chance that an injured NFL player will become much more injured if he plays in a live game, why risk it?
…it’s good!
ps...
I believe Colts coach Jim Caldwell is a super realistic cyborg running on a set program of football algorithms and equations written by Peyton Manning. They almost tricked me into believing he is a real person, but then one day I noticed that he does not blink or exhibit human emotion. They forgot to write that into the program running in his hard drive. Maybe Bill Polian will get that updated for next season.
Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 11 in the NFL: Boss Hog and his Jets feel disrespected that the Pats didn’t take them serious and only beat them by 17 points
where...
…the Colts break out the Santi Clause in their game plan!
…Vince Young has the entire AFC South feeling a little queasy!
…the Chiefs pound the Steelers with the ground game, wait…what?
…the Raiders beat the NFC North leading Bengals, wait…double what?
…the Vikings prove they are an elite NFC team by beating the Seahawks!
…the Jaguars are somehow AFC wild card contenders! Worst 6-4 team ever!
…the Pats looked genuinely disappointed to only score 31 points on the Jets!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
The Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions played in, what has to be thus far, the game of the year. This game pretty much had everything, including a bogus defensive pass interference call on a Hail Mary at the end of regulation. To be clear, there was defensive pass interference on the play as it was called, but Megatron was also busy transforming into a backpack on his defender and the play was a Hail Mary! Come on! That kind of garbage is never called on a play like that in a game like this. Of course, Matthew Stafford did get his shoulder popped out of socket on the play, and since an NFL game cannot end on a defensive penalty and a player must leave the game for a play if they have caused an injury timeout, the Lions had the ball and goal with no time left on the clock and one play to win the game with an Antarctic iceberg-cold Daunte Culpepper under center. Only, Cleveland Browns soon-to-be-fired head coach Eric Mangini calls a timeout to game plan (which he should have done during the injury timeout) and subsequently allows Stafford back in to the game to throw the game-winning touchdown with an arm dangling at his side like a shark-attack victim. He looked like Luke Skywalker at the end of Empire Strikes Back when he ran back to his sidelines after the touchdown. It was a big day for a kid who just wanted to go into town to get some power converters. Cheer up though Cleveland, this loss virtually guarantees you of the first pick in the NFL draft (which he Browns will probably use on either Tim Tebow or a long snapper, but still).
Week 11 of the 2009 season may best be known as the week of sideline in-fighting. Brandon Marshall, being the team leader and consummate professional that he is, berated rookie Knowshon Moreno grill-to-grill for a goal line fumble until Moreno finally had to push him away. Also, train-wreck-in-coverage cornerback Terence Newman and longtime coaching moron Dave Campo (Cowboys secondary coach) had to be separated on the sidelines after a play, though both later laughed it off. Newman presumably because Campo is a moron and Campo because Newman—like many Dallas Cowboys—is not an apt professional football player, and it is unfair to hold him to such lofty standards.
Sure, Brett Favre has been a compelling story so far this season, but I have heard way too much “Brett Favre is the MVP of the league” talk, and it is really distressing to hear terms like “clear-cut favorite” and “odds-on favorite” being tossed around as well. Ridiculous. Favre isn’t even the MVP of his team. That would be All Day and the way he forces defenses to stuff 11-22 men in the box to not contain him. I would also listen to you if we were both drinking at a bar and you started rambling on about how Sidney Rice could be the team’s MVP for how he accelerates to catch over-thrown Favre bombs and how he takes short passes long to the house. I would. So Favre comes up second, possibly third on his own team for MVP yet he’s a “clear-cut favorite” to win league MVP over guys like Peyton Manning and Drew Brees? Even less obvious names such as Chris Johnson, Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald are better MVP candidates than Favre. Every one of these players means more singularly to his team than Brett does to the Vikings.
The Tennessee Titans win, Chris Johnson runs like the modern-day Barry Sanders only, gasp…faster. Nothing new to report here, right? Hold on, what’s that? Horrific Houston head coach Gary Kubiak ran a quarterback sneak to the center of the field to give his kicker a 49-yard field goal with a timeout and and time left to run another "real" play. What are you doing Gary? Do you realize that a 49-yard field goal is not automatic, and that missing a second long-distance, game-tying field goal might be career-threatening to the Texans longest tenured player Kris Brown? Are you that afraid of a Steve Slaton fumble that you chose to kick a 49-yard field goal over giving him one shot at getting you even three to five yards closer for Brown? You play to win the game Gary. What did you think would happen in overtime, Gary? Chris Johnson would have run the length of the field on your pathetic team in about 3 plays, that’s what would have happened. Run a play and either look to win the game or get your kicker in better position to win the game. Great job Gary!
…touchdown!
extra point…
The internet nerds are down on me due to this whole hot-linking issue. They are killing all my links, thus the lack of awesome visual backup in this issue of Necessary Roughness. I’m sorry geeks, I didn’t realize it was morally objectionable for me to steal pictures from you when you have so fairly stolen them from someone else first! Get real. Anything on the internet is public domain, anything! If you put your diary there, it’s public domain. It’s the internet. Don’t put things there that you don’t want people to rape every which way possible. Think of your intellectual property as your child and the internet as a posted convicted pedophile’s residence. If you don’t want your child/property abused, don’t let it near the pedophile’s house/internet. If anyone has any decent suggestions around such obstacles, I would be glad to hear them (internet geeks that is, not pedophiles).
…it’s good!
ps…
A happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful for football and you.
Week 10 in the NFL : Bill Belichick goes head-to-head versus Peyton Manning in a game of Madden ’09 and loses
where…
…the Chiefs and Raiders participate in a crap fest!
…the Redskins turn the Broncos into their trusty steeds!
…OAK punter Shane Lechler punts 11 times for 531 yards (nets 484 yds, 48.3 avg)!
…Joe Addai leaves a blazing trail to the end zone like Marty McFly in the DeLorean!
…the Saints can win every type of game, even games they barely win against the Rams!
…all Brady Quinn news is now handled by the Metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer!
…BAL burned 3 timeouts midway thru the 1st qt and would have lost against an NFL team!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
Let’s get right to it:
Did Bill Belichick’s 4th and 2 decision fly in the face of traditional football logic? Yes.
Would Peyton have gotten a TD from 30, 60 or 90 yards with two minutes left in the game? Yes.
Now, I would have punted the ball if I was Belichick, but that doesn’t really matter. I also do not believe in giving a team points in strategy, but if you make the decision that Belichick made and it backfires, you must have Plan B ready. If you’ve already chosen to fly in the face of traditional football wisdom by electing not to punt, and the conversion is not successful, then your defense must allow the touchdown on the next play even if they have to drag Joe Addai across the goal line. This would have given Tommy Dimple Chin time to put together a frenzied drive, albeit without a timeout. It completely stinks as a game plan, and I truly believe that if Belichick had thought the decision through to Plan B, he would have punted the ball, but it is all revisionist history. What we need to remember when these two teams meet in the AFC Championship game is that Peyton Manning is now the one “in the head of” Bill Belichick.
In a nod to the slapstick football follies of yesteryear, the Cleveland Browns took the field for Monday Night Football and did not disappoint with a hilarious 10-man defense on the Ravens lone offensive touchdown. Instead of calling a timeout, head coach Eric Mangini and Browns defensive coordinator, The Dude, chose to comically point fingers at one another on the sidelines, followed by their offensive coordinator attempting to poke Mangini in both eyes but accidentally kicking Joshua Cribbs in the testicles instead when Mangini wedge-blocked the eye-poke. It was funny because it really hurts to get kicked in the testicles. The Vegas line on the 2009 Cleveland Browns versus the University of Louisiana Cougars (pre-Bobby Boucher) would be Cleveland +13 at FSU’s Bobby Bowden Field. Oh you Browns, you lovable bunch of completely dysfunctional lifelong losers! Great job!
The Bills have fired head coach Dick Jauron. What??? Does this mean that a 60-82 career record as a head coach, a 7-9 record for three straight seasons as Bills’ boss, a 3-6 record and 12 touchdowns scored offensively (after he fired his offensive coordinator one week before the regular season) through the 10th week of his fourth season and sole possession of the Lindy Infante branch of the head coaching tree doesn’t make Jauron a coaching superstar? Defensive coordinator Perry Fewell has been named interim (next to be fired) head coach. Perry Fewell has, among other things, been caught stealing once when he was five. He enjoys stealing. It’s just as simple as that. Well it’s just a simple fact. When he wants something, he doesn’t want to pay for it. He’ll walk right…through the door, yeah he’ll walk right through the head coaches door cause it’s his, his, his, all his…his, his, his all his. That’s right, a reference from 1990. Necessary Roughness is totally radical! I am the Chris Berman of my generation, minus 368 pounds.
For some people, football Sundays are just a romp on top of your desk with a 19-year-old student worker while you gaze at your hair in a compact mirror and ponder your inner deepness. These people are vapid douche bags and should have their giant, hook noses flattened against their cheeks. Hell, it may happen, who knows? For others, football Sunday and team marriage is a serious undertaking wrought with emotional and sometimes physical peril. Every win can be followed by a devastating loss, every loss followed by an improbable win. The peaks and valleys. We ride them out together. The peaks, as Chris McCandless realized, are nothing if not experienced with others, and the valleys (as we all know) are unbearable alone. Here’s to you, NFL fans. Week 10 and beyond is the reason chili tastes so delicious. It’s how Thanksgiving is complete. It’s the cold nip in the November air. It’s the reason we gather at 10 a.m. (PST) and scream like hell and carry on like lunatics for our favorite team and every other game happening on football Sunday. Great job!
…touchdown!
extra point…
Noted moron Jon Gruden has signed on to do Monday Night Football for years, and here I thought this was just an extended 15 week head coaching interview for Jonny. It really is time for President Obama to make this MNF situation one of his top priorities. We need nationalized MNF, and ESPN needs to be barred from broadcasting the National Football League. John Henry did not die with his hammer in his hand so that he could have cable to watch MNF. Football on Monday is an equal opportunity American ritual and it has been ripped from us by the grubby, genocidal hands of a Disney genropoly (monopoly across genres as it relates to sports, i.e. broadcast sports, hyper-journalism, sportsmovies and even sportsfranchising). They are baking the cake, charging cover at the door to get in to eat the cake, charging what they wish at the counter for the cake and then forcing us to pay them to tell us how much we enjoyed the cake. And the cake isn’t even good, but what choice do we have? We need to see across team allegiances to destroy MNF on ESPN. Colts fans and Pats fans, Cheese Heads and Dead Heads, from a Mile High to the depths of the Black Hole; unite! Can you dig it? We will not take this for another crappy broadcast. We are not okay with Ron Jaworski, Jon Gruden, “What’s Up” Stu Scott or Steve Young! We will do something that matters! This thought is a burning match tossed in the gas tank of your minds, we can come up with something! Can you dig it?
…it’s good!
ps…
That is super making up for last week when I shanked the extra point. You can call me a dancing Gramatica!
Week Nine in the NFL: We all struggled to find some meaning in a Favre-less week
where…
…this guy better not get caught winking at Larry Johnson!
…the Bears were exactly who Ken Whisenhunt thought they were!
…the Orangesicles play drip but don’t melt defense against Green Bay!
…Phil Rivers wins the battle versus Eli Manning, but loses the douche war!
…the Eagles receivers would have had a lot of catches if their feet were hands!
…we all knew this week was really the undercard for next week’s Colts/Pats matchup!
…fullback Mike Sellers was the top receiver with 56 yds in the WSH/ATL game! Great job!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10...
Cedric Benson is the first running back with two 100+ yard games in a season against the Baltimore Ravens since Jerome Bettis did it for Detroit in 1997. Now, it does need to be made clear that the ’97 Ravens lacked a certain “killer” mentality that helped them dominate the league in the early aughts. Ray Lewis had not yet committed any murders, so running backs (even fat, slow ones like Bettis) were free to run the field without fear of getting shanked. The ’97 Ravens were also missing a certain offensive guru genius at head coach. A mastermind whose well-oiled offense would have worked with such precision at such a blistering pace, that a running back with a badonka-donk would have been rendered useless the moment the Ravens offense took the field and promptly took the lead. You can’t play from behind two yards at a time now can you? No you cannot.
In the interest of full disclosure Tony Dungy, what exactly is your relationship with Mike Vick? Are you his agent? Have you adopted him? We know you are a studio analyst, is this a conflict of interests? Speaking of that Tony, we are well aware of your stance on homosexuality, do you have any idea what happens in prison? And do we really even care where Mike might or might not go? It’s an awful lot of attention being paid to a quarterback who really hasn’t been effective since ‘05 and was only truly great for one season in ‘02.
During their first possession of the second quarter, the Denver Broncos and previously unbeaten coaching sensation Josh McDaniels chose to break out their patented Wild Horse offense, and here’s how it worked out: Hotshot quarterback Kyle Orton shifted out into the slot receiver position for a brief moment before motioning back into to take a shotgun snap which he then threw directly to Tyrone Carter for a 48-yard interception return for a touchdown. Great job by all! Can we call the Wild(blank) offense over for every team other than Miami? Reggie Wayne does not need to attempt a touchdown pass for the Indianapolis Colts. They have a pretty highly paid quarterback equipped with a laser rocket arm to try things like that. Even in Miami, where they are trotting out motocross stuntmen to give it a try, the Wildcat is always shut down the second time around by the likes of the Patriots and Jets. It might be time to tie the Wildcat shut in a burlap sack with a couple of medium-sized rocks and throw the entire shrieking mess in the swift-moving currents of a very deep river.
Hey was that Steve Martin tussling with Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall on the Atlanta sidelines, or was it Martin Scorsese? Neither?!? It was Falcons coach Mike Smith, or as we call him around these parts, Steve Martin Scorsese. It’s an uncanny, Wheel of Fortune/Before and After esque, three-way celebrity look-a-like discovered by NFL fan Whitey Fisk. Everyone wins. Great job Whitey!
…touchdown!
extra point…
Shanked it, even the best miss one from time to time, or maybe this is just an impression of soon-to-be-ex-Ravens kicker, Steven Hauschka.
…no good!
abbreviated mid-season awards…
MVP: Peyton “Franken Berry” Manning. Brees is a distant second.
Offensive Player: Chris Johnson. He has the best shot at 2,000 yards rushing.
Defensive Player: Jared “Con Air” Allen (or Jared Conairen). Darren Sharper’s season seems too flukey at this point. It could all just dry up. Jared Conairen is insane.
Coach: Jeff Fisher, for putting on a Peyton Manning jersey and enraging his team to 8-8 or 9-7 and sniffing at a wild card late in the season.
…great job!
the divisions and wild cards…
AFC: IND, NE, PIT and SD Wild Cards: CIN and DEN
NFC: NO, MIN, DAL and AZ Wild Cards: PHI and ATL
…beyond belief!
blue doom crew midseason awards…
MVP: Tie, Big Al and Partridge. Signage. Power Rod. Snuggie. Fight song. Enough said.
MVP of Intangibles: Tie, Pat and Earl.
MVP of Orange Peeling: Katie.
MVP of Sounds: DJ Clarence Duffy, ya’ll.
MVP of The Roger Waters Sponsored Wish You Were Here Bowl: Tie between the following: Reaper King, Lisa Fay, JT, Candy Man and Sister.
Administrators of Food Distribution: The Fimmanos.
Supreme Queen of it all: Miss B. Through whom all things are possible.
Week Eight in the NFL: Brett Favre walks into Favre Stadium in Wisfavrein as a Favresota Favreing and favres the Favre Bay Favres
where…
…Denver is undefeated? Nevermore!
…for an extended period of time, the Lions/Rams score was 3-2, Rams!
…the Colts enter their play-down-to-their-opponents part of the schedule!
…Eli ducked and dodged the Duracells whizzing by his head on the sidelines!
…Big Ben successfully didn’t rape anyone during his bye week. Great job Ben!
…Jake makes amends for the NFC Championship game with Kurt’s six turnovers!
…there was something important about the Packers/Vikings game, but I can’t remember!
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
Red hot Tony Romo and scorching, magma hot Miles Austin are officially new BFF’s, and Jason Witten is none too pleased. Romo and Austin are now constantly by one another’s side during practice, in the showers and even going as far as to room together on road trips. That’s right, Tony dumped Jason as his road trip roommate to take up with Miles presumably to talk football strategy, invent secret plays and plan their next high-profile sexual conquests. Terrell Owens is very pleased, though Witten has yet to cry at a press conference, publicly eat popcorn or overdose on anti-depressants.
It is officially three weeks and counting before those petulant old puss bags from the 1972 Miami Dolphins could potentially start cheering for a Colts or Saints loss. The Colts actually have to play a game against a real football club this season, so listen up all you Saints fans:
At 10-0 it gets real, and that’s when various members of the ’72 Dolphins start sniping and squawking like shriveled, featherless baby birds.
At 12-0 they turn their collective unbearable dial to 11.
At 14-0 they begin icing champagne and gather at Bob Griese’s place to watch the game. Bob has a gold, crushed velvet davenport. You will wish that a gas main springs a leak and erupts into a fiery hell at Bob's place.
At 16-0, the remaining 1972 Dolphins begin to trade their dialysis machines in for portable heart defibrillators and, in a particularly contemptible act, swear public injury voodoo upon your quarterback and coach.
Don’t worry about anything after that. If the Saints get by Minnesota in the NFC Championship game, they will be annihilated by Indianapolis, New England or Pittsburg in the Super Bowl, and the whole thing will just be over.
The Saints/Falcons Monday Night game was really interesting from the kicking game perspective (and that is the first time “really interesting” and “kicking game” have appeared in the same sentence). Jason Elam and John Carney—with Elam starring—missed three field goals at the Superdome, two of them inside of the 40 yard line. Inside of a dome. Unreal. Carney is especially disappointing for his part since he has been doing this kicking thing since before the Tecmo Super Bowl in '91. Visored Saints head coach Sean Payton also broke new ground in the timeout arena; using his last of the game to ice the Falcons on a final, desperate onside attempt. An onside attempt can really only be run three ways, and Payton’s icing of the kicker showed the play the Falcons had chose to run. Pretty solid coaching Sean, great job, but you still wear a visor.
Why not get racy with this last down? Why can a tall, white pocket passer like Matt Ryan throw up a disgusting performance like Monday night, yet guys like Steve Young will go to bat for him afterwards and insist that he is still learning? He ran directly into a defensive lineman for a sack four times. Vince Young helps legitimize the Titans offense, Chris Johnson runs wild for a franchise record 228 yards and the Titans get their first win of the season in week eight, yet no mention of Vince after the fact. Let’s take it a step further. Jason Campbell gets slaughtered for his 29/43 for 284 yards, 2 TDs 1 pick performance under constant duress against the Eagles (a game in which his apparently healthy starting RB quit in the third quarter) and Alex Smith is actually considered adequate in a casual 19/32 for 198 yards, 1TD and 1 pick against the Colts? Make this make sense.
…touchdown!
extra point…
Owen Daniels' knee explosion is the direct karmic result of Gary Kubiak's junior-highish benching of Steve Slaton over his fumble issues. You don't bench your best playmaker over a fumble Gary, no matter what that Oompa Loompa, Mike Shanahan told you in the past. Of course Slaton will fumble now and then. He's 125 pounds and he runs like he's wearing a jet pack! It comes with the territory!! He can also bust a 95-yard bubble screen to the end zone in nine seconds!!!
Week Seven in the NFL : The “haves” have hot dogs, and the “have-nots” look a lot like SPAM
Where...
…there were no skid marks on Aaron Rodgers!
…most teams are bad, but a few teams are good!
…he’s no Larry Johnson, but ADP bashes Gay as well!
…Ced Benson proves revenge is a dish best served really, really cold!
…Chris Cooley bleached his hair just in time to look funny in the OR. Great Job!
…Jake Delhomme had a nightmare that he kept throwing precious kittens into traffic!
…if this continues, you might want to grab Jim Sorgi and Brian Hoyer for your fantasy team!
...beyond belief
1st and 10...
Why is Dreamy Sanchez getting so much negative attention for eating a hot dogduring the football game? He was hungry. Is it because he didn’t eat a PowerDog® sponsored by Gatorade™ topped with GoMustard® (from the GM™ food division)? The same people in the sporting press that have taken issue with Sanchez would literally trample kittens to get to a hot dog buffet. Joey Chestnut is a beloved American hero for partaking in televised hot-dog-eating orgies, and Mark Sanchez can’t eat one hot dog in the fourth quarter of a blowout win over Oakland? The real shocker is that there was on-field hot dog eating in a Jets/Raiders game and it was not being done by Rex Ryan or Jamarcus Russell.
I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit sick over Leon Washington’s injury, but not due to its Theismann-esque goriness; but because I added Washington to one of my fantasy teams where every conceivable tragedy has occurred within my stable of running backs other than an on-field compound fracture. This includes a H1N1 scare. So it’s pretty much my fault, and I probably should have seen it coming. My bad, Leon. I hope you make it back on the field next year, and I hope the Jets reward you for the way you were playing, even though you turned down a pretty sizable contract at the start of training camp. But still, that was gross.
The New Orleans Saints won in gritty comeback fashion on Sunday and many pundits insist they’ve won every “type” of game they’ve needed to win thus far to prove they can make and win the big one. This includes games against the Lions, Bills, and Jets. What about the “type” of game where they play the Indianapolis Colts or the New England Patriots? What about the “type” of game where they play the Pittsburg Steelers or the Denver Broncos? Hey New Orleans Saints, are those little mice scampering around back there in your backfield or is that your quarterback Drew Brees and decoyback Reggie Bush? Oh, Sean Payton, you like to wear sun visors? You like to wear sun visors. That’s the joke, it’s you and your sun visor Sean Payton. Your team plays in a dome. What are you doing? What will you do in a cold, outdoor game on the road in December? Oh wait, I should have guessed. Why do you hate the cap part of all hats, Sean? Why?
Possible dialogue from Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico during the third quarter of the Monday Night Football game (a scoreless quarter in one of the most disgusting MNF games in recent memory):
Gruden:
Hey der, ahhh…Jon Gruden, coach for hire ‘ere, and-a I wanna take a minute ‘ere da talk for just a second bout line play. It’s impordandt. Dese lineman are really, really big; both on the offensive and defensive lines, an dey really gotta fire out and win dose really impordandt, really hard battles goin’ on dere in da trenches. Ahhh…right, Jaws?
Jaworski:
That’s right Jon!!! In the National Football League, there’s absolutely no substitute for good line play in the National Football League!
Tirico:
Kill me.
Now the fourth quarter:
Jaworski:
…I don’t know about that Jon, I’ve been around the National Football League a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of things in the National Football League, but I’ve never seen a team voluntarily choose to have only 10 players on the field. There’s just no package like that in the National Football League.
Gruden:
All I’m saying ‘ere Jaws is dat I think dere can be a specific strategic advantage to maybe commin’ up with a few packages ‘ere and dere that could utilize only 10 players an really just harness the element of surprise. Kinda like the Wildcat! Only with 10 players an ya just snap the ball to the quarderback like normal, only there’s no runnin’ back…
Tirico:
Sorry to interrupt guys, but while you were talking Jason Campbell threw a touchdown pass to Fred Davis. I hate you both.
...touchdown!
extra point...
If we started a campaign and all gave a dollar, maybe it would be enough so that we could pay Jim Zorn off, and he could just mercifully quit as head coach, void his contract and stop making that face that he made all Monday night. That was nearly as big a disgrace to Monday Night Football as broadcasting it on ESPN.
Necessary Roughness, Week Six in the NFL: The Detroit Lions have lost three in a row for the first time in over a year and three weeks
where...
…seven Saints scored!
…the head Chief rules over his people!
…Tom Brady!!! OMG!!!! Dimples in the snow!!!!!
…the Ravens mount a huge comeback against the Vikes to not win the game!
…the Detroit Lions averaged 16 points-per-game during their 0-16 winless season!
…the Rams are 0-16 dating back to last season and have averaged 12 points-per-game!
…Brian Westbrook had 6 carries for 50 yards in a loss to the Raiders! Great job Andy Reid!
...beyond belief!
1st and 10... (the links beyond belief edition sponsored by PBR, bratwurst and the internet)
Vinny Cerrato and mega-douche team owner Daniel Snyder have definitely found the answer to the Redskins problems in hiring a volunteer bingo caller to dial up plays as their Offensive Coordinator while simultaneously castrating an already, ummm…eunique head coach in Jameson Zorn. That’s right, double castration. I don’t know how it works, but roll with it. Sherman Lewis, the Redskins new OC, is a well-respected offensive mind around the NFL (not an offensive guru genius like this guy, but who can match those wits?), which begs the question; why would he leave a sweet bingo gig to call plays for a dysfunctional NFL franchise over a quarter of the way through a season in which they are 2-4 and have yet to play a team with a win? You would think Sherm would be smarter than that. Unless…unless he is preceding an old, orange acquaintance he met while swinging from the Mike Holmgren branch to the George Seifert branch of the Bill Walsh coaching tree. Hmmm.
There probably aren’t a ton of 12 to 14 year-old girls who read this blog (my guess is somewhere between 89 and 113), so be sure to tell any of them you know with a tweeny crush on undefeated coaching sensation Josh McDaniels that the word is out; he totally wants an official, carbine-action, 200 shot lightning load, range model air rifle for Christmas. The one with the compass in the stock. Add it to the list of things that we’re positive he likes:
air rifles, spikey haircuts, sweatshirts and swishy pants, showing emotion, kites, BMX, Franken Berry cereal, horror movies with nudity, juice, boomerangs, staying up late on Friday nights, Zac Efron, Brandon Marshall, hot dogs, Hulkamania, whips, and wrestling. And football.
We also know he doesn’t like losing, being told what to do, cooties, homework, and brussel sprouts, and we’re not sure where he stands right now on responsibilities, acne and girls.
The kickoff pigeon is locked in a heated contract dispute with team owner Al Davis over several of the incentives being worked in to his new contract. One of the pigeon’s chief concerns is that the contract is back-loaded with mountains of stale bread crusts, old popcorn and cigarette butts that he can pick at. While kickoff pigeon certainly would enjoy that kind of financial stability in the future, he also says you have to live in the present. NFL players can get hurt at any time, and kickoff pigeon believes he has somewhere between 100-450 offspring scattered about the entire bay area that he supports financially. Michael Crabtree’s agents think that kickoff pigeon should announce that he is willing to sit out until 2014 and join a junior high football team and go through the ranks all over again from high school to the draft just to prove his point, but after seeing how it all worked out for Mike; that might lead to kickoff pigeon eating a little crow. Done? Done. I think all avenues (other than the fact that Al Davis was definitely wearing a colostomy bag at the game) were covered. And Davis may have been main-lining formaldehyde, but it was too dark in his box suite to be certain. Seriously, done.
Phil Rivers is a trash-talkin’ quarterback, and that’s okay because there are rules in the league that prevent him from ever backing it up and taking a hit. It’s really the perfect role for Rivers as he has always looked like the villainous bully in an 80’s movie with the letter jacket and Kerri Green on his arm who eventually gets shown up by the asthmatic, four-eyed underdog at the end of the movie, much to everyone’s delight. Throw in a neck-beard and that exact scenario pretty much played out on Monday night. Way to go Lucas…I mean Kyle!
...touchdown!
extra point...
Donny Mac had one of those games where he loafs around, looks fat, throws balls at receiver’s feet, pukes in a trash can when nobody is looking, doesn’t care and generally draws the ire of Philadelphia down upon himself. Just remember this any time you’re picking the Eagles in any sort of situation ranging from fantasy football to three-team parlays; this guy is their quarterback, and he can do this at any point against any team, and he will definitely do it against a good team in a big situation. End of story. There is enough evidence.
Week Five in the NFL: Dre' Bly does a hilarious impression of Leon Lett
where…
…we definitely saw the referee hand Owen Schmitt a razor blade.
…the Browns, Bills, Redskins and Panthers all participated in a crap-fest.
…Big Ben beat Detroit, just barely, but he’s cool with it like raping bartenders.
…everyone in Cleveland wishes Braylon Edwards’ hands dipped in molten lava.
…the rampaging Sex Fire in New York is now just a small grease fire in the kitchen.
…we don’t browbeat Joe Flacco, yo. It wasn’t really his fault. But it wasn’t not his fault.
…beyond belief!
1st and 10…
Steve Slaton, LaDanian Tomlinson, DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, Ryan Grant, Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Darren McFadden and LenDale White have about as much a chance of scoring a touchdown every week as a tumble weed. They are not good. Not good at all. I have them all on my fantasy team. I’m totally screwed. Do you care?
Roughly every 5,000 times Brett Favre throws a pass, he completes it to himself, including his first-ever pass attempt in the NFL. It happened again in Week Five. At the rate the Minnesota Vikings are using his arm—because they obviously have no ground game—Brett will throw another completion to himself sometime around Week Nine. Be sure to start him as your fantasy quarterback for that week as long as you are in a points-per-reception league. You can thank me later, unless Favre gets Theismann’d before week nine, which is always a possibility. Brett Favre is a douche.
Look out for the Wildcat…RAWRRH! Any time you can run an offense from the 1950’s based on a bunch of white guys at the skill positions, you have to do it! I mean, there’s no way Ronnie Brown runs for 3.7 yards per carry without faking 17 handoffs first, right? Why have just one guy wrapped up in directing your offense—like, say Peyton Manning—when you can get four players consumed with receiving the snap, handing the football off, throwing the football or running with the football? Way to go Tony Sparano! Where can I get one of those sweet NFL licensed Miami Dolphins tents that you wear as a wind-breaker on the sidelines? Those things are sweet, and they look warm for winter camping.
Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh?!? Are you kidding me? Is he partnered with John Rocker, Jim Crow, Mark Fuhrman, Derek and Danny Vinyard (pre-curbing), Terrell Owens, Jimmy The Greek, Remy, George Bush (Junior, remember him?), my dad, Michael Richards, white people (ironically) in the south, John Wayne, Republicans, and white people in his attempt to purchase the Rams? Unreal. Letting this guy into the League is like wishing syphilis upon your freshly cleansed genitals. It’s like becoming voluntarily possessed by a vomit-spewing specter from the netherworld. Resist NFL team owners, resist…
…touchdown!
extra point…
Wow, how did Mike Simms-Walker find a way to get suspended in Seattle during this time of year? The only thing to do in the northwest right now is load up your Netflix queue, buy a truckload of weed, refill your Prozac scrip and buy some shotgun shells just in case. My bet is on the truckload of weed, way to go Mike!
Week Four in the NFL: Ray Lewis feels as though the Ravens were ganged up on by the refs and kicked repeatedly while they were down, killing any chance of a victory
where...
...real men wear pink.
...the Lions win streak is shattered.
...the Bucs and Skins face off in a crap duel.
...Jeff Fisher has the best winless stache in football.
...Favre has one month to refill his reserve tanks of steely, super emotion.
...Tony Romo tries out for the lead in a remake of Shakiest Gun in the West.
...Jay Cutler does an impression of Anton Chigurh doing an impression of John Elway.
...beyond belief!
1st and 10...
The Sex Fire in New York was briefly extinguished by the New Orleans Saints...but not well. It was not fully stamped out, and a few smoldering sex coals remain. These red-hot magma coals need tended to and fanned, and they need a little kindling. They will burn again, and when they do, the Big Apple will be happily roasted in sex flames like the apple in a roast pig's roasted mouth. Then Rex Ryan will eat the pig, and he will be the happiest one of all. For a little while.
There can be absolutely no truth to the ridiculous rumor that Braylon Edwards punched anyone in the face, especially a friend of LeBron James. Braylon's boxing form is too poor to ever win a fight; he's always dropping his gloves. But seriously, this can't help LeBrons chances of staying in Cleveland past 2010. Why would he hang around a town where his friends and family are threatened by football bully jocks? It's probably just all blown out of proportion though. There's also another rumor that Braylon was in a meeting with Brian Sipe, Earnest Byner, John Elway, Art Modell and Dropsy McGhee at two o'clock Monday morning, so he couldn't possibly have been at View Ultralounge to punch LeBron's buddy. So settle down Cleveland, Braylon sounds like a great guy, and this will probably just all blow over.
The New Orleans Saints are 4-0 for the first time since 1993, which is whiggity-whack, yo! The rest of the NFC South better check themselves before they wreck themselves. The Saints offense has been as cool as tight-rolled jeans for a few seasons now, but the Saints defense is making a difference like Heal the World, for real! The biggest Saints related news this week though is the release of the Drew Brees themed, #9 Beanie Baby. If you're a Saints fan, be sure to get one before they sell out. They're collectible!
Desite all of the wins, the streak and the record books; despite the narcissistic interviews and teary press conferences; in site of all the prior press coverage and flying in the face of the fact that every person who has ever even remotely followed the National Football League through an entire football season has already come to the conclusion that Brett Favre is, indeed, good, Jon Gruden still chose to spend all of Monday night telling us that Brett Favre is good. The entire Monday Night Football broadcast! I just hope he didn't spend all week locked in his office game-planning, chugging coffee in the dark, watching VHS tapes of NFC North games from 1996 and thinking about the glory days for a performance like that.
...touchdown!
extra point...
Tom, you reacted like the legless torso of a zombie was right at your feet, chomping it's teeth on your shoelaces. Pointing at the ground and screaming, what was up with that? Brady has to be the top QB in fantasy leagues that count yardage gained by unfairly using your star power and overall dreaminess to influence the referee to throw a flag that never should have been thrown. Way to go Tom!
…the Detroit Lions are riding a one-game win streak!
…dreamy Jets QB has really bright future! Unless his coach eats him!
…tired, old guys can heave miraculous game-winning touchdown passes!
…the Jets/Titans/Titans/Oilers game ended with 13 straight incompletions!
…the Seattle Seahawk jerseys were louder than grunge, louder than the 12th Man!
…TO used a tiny hat to squeeze his emotions into submission instead of lashing out!
…beyond belief!
1st and Goal…
At least, maybe for one week, Favre deserved all the attention. His half-gun-sling-half-prayer into the end zone was a miracle, but that game was great for many other reasons. Vernon Davis had his record-shattering 7th coming-out-party! Way to go Vernon! We’ll see you again next year. Also, Mike Singletary can surely come up with a few more items to hang around his neck. I hope he gets creative next week against Saint Louis.
Mike Tirico alluded to it Monday night, but that was a giant mulligan the NFL served Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys. Just in case they couldn’t get it done on national television for their home opener (which they couldn’t), they’re at home on national television the following week with Jake Delhomme and his circus of bumbling fumbles? Come on, that’s a lock even with Tony Romo in a slightly big game atmosphere.
It’s not going to be easy for you to embrace guys like Pierre Garcon and Pierre Thomas, but if they are on your favorite team, you have no choice. Of course these guys aren’t really from France, but you’re never going to wash them clean from the stigma in your mind. So just tell yourself that they are from the part of France that doesn’t make them gay, whatever town or region that might be. You could also tell yourself they are from a French-speaking part of Canada. That might help. There might be lumberjacks there. Whatever it takes.
Calm down Cincinnati. The Bengals still haven’t won enough games against the Steelers to ever call that a rivalry and the Ravens are still the scariest looking team in the AFC North (and maybe the entire League). On the bright side, it was a nice win for the Bengals and all of their fans. On the not so bright side, it was probably the marquee win in a long season full of ups and downs, injuries, questionable coaching decisions and blank stares on your way to 8-8. The Bengals have just enough offense to be feisty, just enough defense to be stingy and not enough of either to really make a difference. Have fun with that.
…Touchdown!
Extra point…
Before too long, and assuming his coach doesn’t accidentally eat him, the Mark Sanchez Smoldering Dreaminess Hotness is going to overtake the Tom Brady Dreamtime Dimples Hotness. Just wait and see. And when it does, the Jets will be transformed into the New York Sex Fires of Football, and Joe Namath will be very pleased.
