Necessary Roughness, Week 9 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Nine in the NFL:
We all struggled to find some meaning in a Favre-less week


where…

…this guy better not get caught winking at Larry Johnson!
…the Bears were exactly who Ken Whisenhunt thought they were!
…the Orangesicles play drip but don’t melt defense against Green Bay!
…Phil Rivers wins the battle versus Eli Manning, but loses the douche war!
…the Eagles receivers would have had a lot of catches if their feet were hands!
…we all knew this week was really the undercard for next week’s Colts/Pats matchup!
…fullback Mike Sellers was the top receiver with 56 yds in the WSH/ATL game! Great job!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10...

Cedric Benson is the first running back with two 100+ yard games in a season against the Baltimore Ravens since Jerome Bettis did it for Detroit in 1997. Now, it does need to be made clear that the ’97 Ravens lacked a certain “killer” mentality that helped them dominate the league in the early aughts. Ray Lewis had not yet committed any murders, so running backs (even fat, slow ones like Bettis) were free to run the field without fear of getting shanked. The ’97 Ravens were also missing a certain offensive guru genius at head coach. A mastermind whose well-oiled offense would have worked with such precision at such a blistering pace, that a running back with a badonka-donk would have been rendered useless the moment the Ravens offense took the field and promptly took the lead. You can’t play from behind two yards at a time now can you? No you cannot.

In the interest of full disclosure Tony Dungy, what exactly is your relationship with Mike Vick? Are you his agent? Have you adopted him? We know you are a studio analyst, is this a conflict of interests? Speaking of that Tony, we are well aware of your stance on homosexuality, do you have any idea what happens in prison? And do we really even care where Mike might or might not go? It’s an awful lot of attention being paid to a quarterback who really hasn’t been effective since ‘05 and was only truly great for one season in ‘02.

During their first possession of the second quarter, the Denver Broncos and previously unbeaten coaching sensation Josh McDaniels chose to break out their patented Wild Horse offense, and here’s how it worked out: Hotshot quarterback Kyle Orton shifted out into the slot receiver position for a brief moment before motioning back into to take a shotgun snap which he then threw directly to Tyrone Carter for a 48-yard interception return for a touchdown. Great job by all! Can we call the Wild(blank) offense over for every team other than Miami? Reggie Wayne does not need to attempt a touchdown pass for the Indianapolis Colts. They have a pretty highly paid quarterback equipped with a laser rocket arm to try things like that. Even in Miami, where they are trotting out motocross stuntmen to give it a try, the Wildcat is always shut down the second time around by the likes of the Patriots and Jets. It might be time to tie the Wildcat shut in a burlap sack with a couple of medium-sized rocks and throw the entire shrieking mess in the swift-moving currents of a very deep river.

Hey was that Steve Martin tussling with Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall on the Atlanta sidelines, or was it Martin Scorsese? Neither?!? It was Falcons coach Mike Smith, or as we call him around these parts, Steve Martin Scorsese. It’s an uncanny, Wheel of Fortune/Before and After esque, three-way celebrity look-a-like discovered by NFL fan Whitey Fisk. Everyone wins. Great job Whitey!

…touchdown!


extra point…

Shanked it, even the best miss one from time to time, or maybe this is just an impression of soon-to-be-ex-Ravens kicker, Steven Hauschka.

…no good!


abbreviated mid-season awards…

MVP: Peyton “Franken Berry” Manning. Brees is a distant second.

Offensive Player: Chris Johnson. He has the best shot at 2,000 yards rushing.

Defensive Player: Jared “Con Air” Allen (or Jared Conairen). Darren Sharper’s season seems too flukey at this point. It could all just dry up. Jared Conairen is insane.

Coach: Jeff Fisher, for putting on a Peyton Manning jersey and enraging his team to 8-8 or 9-7 and sniffing at a wild card late in the season.

…great job!


the divisions and wild cards…

AFC: IND, NE, PIT and SD
Wild Cards: CIN and DEN

NFC: NO, MIN, DAL and AZ
Wild Cards: PHI and ATL

…beyond belief!


blue doom crew midseason awards…

MVP: Tie, Big Al and Partridge. Signage. Power Rod. Snuggie. Fight song. Enough said.

MVP of Intangibles: Tie, Pat and Earl.

MVP of Orange Peeling: Katie.

MVP of Sounds: DJ Clarence Duffy, ya’ll.

MVP of The Roger Waters Sponsored Wish You Were Here Bowl: Tie between the following: Reaper King, Lisa Fay, JT, Candy Man and Sister.

Administrators of Food Distribution: The Fimmanos.

Supreme Queen of it all: Miss B. Through whom all things are possible.

…great job!