28.10.09

Necessary Roughness, Week 7 in the NFL


NR presents

Week Seven in the NFL :
The “haves” have hot dogs, and the “have-nots” look a lot like SPAM

Where...

…there were no skid marks on Aaron Rodgers!
…most teams are bad, but a few teams are good!
…he’s no Larry Johnson, but ADP bashes Gay as well!
…Ced Benson proves revenge is a dish best served really, really cold!
Chris Cooley bleached his hair just in time to look funny in the OR. Great Job!
…Jake Delhomme had a nightmare that he kept throwing precious kittens into traffic!
…if this continues, you might want to grab Jim Sorgi and Brian Hoyer for your fantasy team!

...beyond belief


1st and 10...

Why is Dreamy Sanchez getting so much negative attention for eating a hot dog during the football game? He was hungry. Is it because he didn’t eat a PowerDog® sponsored by Gatorade™ topped with GoMustard® (from the GM™ food division)? The same people in the sporting press that have taken issue with Sanchez would literally trample kittens to get to a hot dog buffet. Joey Chestnut is a beloved American hero for partaking in televised hot-dog-eating orgies, and Mark Sanchez can’t eat one hot dog in the fourth quarter of a blowout win over Oakland? The real shocker is that there was on-field hot dog eating in a Jets/Raiders game and it was not being done by Rex Ryan or Jamarcus Russell.

I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit sick over Leon Washington’s injury, but not due to its Theismann-esque goriness; but because I added Washington to one of my fantasy teams where every conceivable tragedy has occurred within my stable of running backs other than an on-field compound fracture. This includes a H1N1 scare. So it’s pretty much my fault, and I probably should have seen it coming. My bad, Leon. I hope you make it back on the field next year, and I hope the Jets reward you for the way you were playing, even though you turned down a pretty sizable contract at the start of training camp. But still, that was gross.

The New Orleans Saints won in gritty comeback fashion on Sunday and many pundits insist they’ve won every “type” of game they’ve needed to win thus far to prove they can make and win the big one. This includes games against the Lions, Bills, and Jets. What about the “type” of game where they play the Indianapolis Colts or the New England Patriots? What about the “type” of game where they play the Pittsburg Steelers or the Denver Broncos? Hey New Orleans Saints, are those little mice scampering around back there in your backfield or is that your quarterback Drew Brees and decoyback Reggie Bush? Oh, Sean Payton, you like to wear sun visors? You like to wear sun visors. That’s the joke, it’s you and your sun visor Sean Payton. Your team plays in a dome. What are you doing? What will you do in a cold, outdoor game on the road in December? Oh wait, I should have guessed. Why do you hate the cap part of all hats, Sean? Why?

Possible dialogue from Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico during the third quarter of the Monday Night Football game (a scoreless quarter in one of the most disgusting MNF games in recent memory):

Gruden:
Hey der, ahhh…Jon Gruden, coach for hire ‘ere, and-a I wanna take a minute ‘ere da talk for just a second bout line play. It’s impordandt. Dese lineman are really, really big; both on the offensive and defensive lines, an dey really gotta fire out and win dose really impordandt, really hard battles goin’ on dere in da trenches. Ahhh…right, Jaws?

Jaworski:
That’s right Jon!!! In the National Football League, there’s absolutely no substitute for good line play in the National Football League!

Tirico:
Kill me.

Now the fourth quarter:

Jaworski:
…I don’t know about that Jon, I’ve been around the National Football League a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of things in the National Football League, but I’ve never seen a team voluntarily choose to have only 10 players on the field. There’s just no package like that in the National Football League.

Gruden:
All I’m saying ‘ere Jaws is dat I think dere can be a specific strategic advantage to maybe commin’ up with a few packages ‘ere and dere that could utilize only 10 players an really just harness the element of surprise. Kinda like the Wildcat! Only with 10 players an ya just snap the ball to the quarderback like normal, only there’s no runnin’ back…

Tirico:
Sorry to interrupt guys, but while you were talking Jason Campbell threw a touchdown pass to Fred Davis. I hate you both.

...touchdown!


extra point...

If we started a campaign and all gave a dollar, maybe it would be enough so that we could pay Jim Zorn off, and he could just mercifully quit as head coach, void his contract and stop making that face that he made all Monday night. That was nearly as big a disgrace to Monday Night Football as broadcasting it on ESPN.

…it’s good!

1 comment:

  1. oh, dreamy. i knew you were a hot dog lover. i just knew it. i can't wait to see what new delicious fourth quarter snack you come up with this week!

    ReplyDelete