Necessary Roughness, Week 6 in the NFL

NR presents

Necessary Roughness, Week Six in the NFL:
The Detroit Lions have lost three in a row for the first time in over a year and three weeks


…seven Saints scored!
…the head Chief rules over his people!
…Tom Brady!!! OMG!!!! Dimples in the snow!!!!!
…the Ravens mount a huge comeback against the Vikes to not win the game!
…the Detroit Lions averaged 16 points-per-game during their 0-16 winless season!
…the Rams are 0-16 dating back to last season and have averaged 12 points-per-game!
…Brian Westbrook had 6 carries for 50 yards in a loss to the Raiders! Great job Andy Reid!

...beyond belief!

1st and 10...
(the links beyond belief edition sponsored by PBR, bratwurst and the internet)

Vinny Cerrato and mega-douche team owner Daniel Snyder have definitely found the answer to the Redskins problems in hiring a volunteer bingo caller to dial up plays as their Offensive Coordinator while simultaneously castrating an already, ummm…eunique head coach in Jameson Zorn. That’s right, double castration. I don’t know how it works, but roll with it. Sherman Lewis, the Redskins new OC, is a well-respected offensive mind around the NFL (not an offensive guru genius like this guy, but who can match those wits?), which begs the question; why would he leave a sweet bingo gig to call plays for a dysfunctional NFL franchise over a quarter of the way through a season in which they are 2-4 and have yet to play a team with a win? You would think Sherm would be smarter than that. Unless…unless he is preceding an old, orange acquaintance he met while swinging from the Mike Holmgren branch to the George Seifert branch of the Bill Walsh coaching tree. Hmmm.

There probably aren’t a ton of 12 to 14 year-old girls who read this blog (my guess is somewhere between 89 and 113), so be sure to tell any of them you know with a tweeny crush on undefeated coaching sensation Josh McDaniels that the word is out; he totally wants an official, carbine-action, 200 shot lightning load, range model air rifle for Christmas. The one with the compass in the stock. Add it to the list of things that we’re positive he likes:

air rifles, spikey haircuts, sweatshirts and swishy pants, showing emotion, kites, BMX, Franken Berry cereal, horror movies with nudity, juice, boomerangs, staying up late on Friday nights, Zac Efron, Brandon Marshall, hot dogs, Hulkamania, whips, and wrestling. And football.

We also know he doesn’t like losing, being told what to do, cooties, homework, and brussel sprouts, and we’re not sure where he stands right now on responsibilities, acne and girls.

The kickoff pigeon is locked in a heated contract dispute with team owner Al Davis over several of the incentives being worked in to his new contract. One of the pigeon’s chief concerns is that the contract is back-loaded with mountains of stale bread crusts, old popcorn and cigarette butts that he can pick at. While kickoff pigeon certainly would enjoy that kind of financial stability in the future, he also says you have to live in the present. NFL players can get hurt at any time, and kickoff pigeon believes he has somewhere between 100-450 offspring scattered about the entire bay area that he supports financially. Michael Crabtree’s agents think that kickoff pigeon should announce that he is willing to sit out until 2014 and join a junior high football team and go through the ranks all over again from high school to the draft just to prove his point, but after seeing how it all worked out for Mike; that might lead to kickoff pigeon eating a little crow. Done? Done. I think all avenues (other than the fact that Al Davis was definitely wearing a colostomy bag at the game) were covered. And Davis may have been main-lining formaldehyde, but it was too dark in his box suite to be certain. Seriously, done.

Phil Rivers is a trash-talkin’ quarterback, and that’s okay because there are rules in the league that prevent him from ever backing it up and taking a hit. It’s really the perfect role for Rivers as he has always looked like the villainous bully in an 80’s movie with the letter jacket and Kerri Green on his arm who eventually gets shown up by the asthmatic, four-eyed underdog at the end of the movie, much to everyone’s delight. Throw in a neck-beard and that exact scenario pretty much played out on Monday night. Way to go Lucas…I mean Kyle!


extra point...

Donny Mac had one of those games where he loafs around, looks fat, throws balls at receiver’s feet, pukes in a trash can when nobody is looking, doesn’t care and generally draws the ire of Philadelphia down upon himself. Just remember this any time you’re picking the Eagles in any sort of situation ranging from fantasy football to three-team parlays; this guy is their quarterback, and he can do this at any point against any team, and he will definitely do it against a good team in a big situation. End of story. There is enough evidence.

...it's good!

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