Necessary Roughness, Week 5 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Five in the NFL:
Dre' Bly does a hilarious impression of Leon Lett

where…

…we definitely saw the referee hand Owen Schmitt a razor blade.
…the Browns, Bills, Redskins and Panthers all participated in a crap-fest.
…Big Ben beat Detroit, just barely, but he’s cool with it like raping bartenders.
…everyone in Cleveland wishes Braylon Edwards’ hands dipped in molten lava.
…the rampaging Sex Fire in New York is now just a small grease fire in the kitchen.
…we don’t browbeat Joe Flacco, yo. It wasn’t really his fault. But it wasn’t not his fault.

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Steve Slaton, LaDanian Tomlinson, DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, Ryan Grant, Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Darren McFadden and LenDale White have about as much a chance of scoring a touchdown every week as a tumble weed. They are not good. Not good at all. I have them all on my fantasy team. I’m totally screwed. Do you care?

Roughly every 5,000 times Brett Favre throws a pass, he completes it to himself, including his first-ever pass attempt in the NFL. It happened again in Week Five. At the rate the Minnesota Vikings are using his arm—because they obviously have no ground game—Brett will throw another completion to himself sometime around Week Nine. Be sure to start him as your fantasy quarterback for that week as long as you are in a points-per-reception league. You can thank me later, unless Favre gets Theismann’d before week nine, which is always a possibility. Brett Favre is a douche.

Look out for the Wildcat…RAWRRH! Any time you can run an offense from the 1950’s based on a bunch of white guys at the skill positions, you have to do it! I mean, there’s no way Ronnie Brown runs for 3.7 yards per carry without faking 17 handoffs first, right? Why have just one guy wrapped up in directing your offense—like, say Peyton Manning—when you can get four players consumed with receiving the snap, handing the football off, throwing the football or running with the football? Way to go Tony Sparano! Where can I get one of those sweet NFL licensed Miami Dolphins tents that you wear as a wind-breaker on the sidelines? Those things are sweet, and they look warm for winter camping.

Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh?!? Are you kidding me? Is he partnered with John Rocker, Jim Crow, Mark Fuhrman, Derek and Danny Vinyard (pre-curbing), Terrell Owens, Jimmy The Greek, Remy, George Bush (Junior, remember him?), my dad, Michael Richards, white people (ironically) in the south, John Wayne, Republicans, and white people in his attempt to purchase the Rams? Unreal. Letting this guy into the League is like wishing syphilis upon your freshly cleansed genitals. It’s like becoming voluntarily possessed by a vomit-spewing specter from the netherworld. Resist NFL team owners, resist…

…touchdown!


extra point…

Wow, how did Mike Simms-Walker find a way to get suspended in Seattle during this time of year? The only thing to do in the northwest right now is load up your Netflix queue, buy a truckload of weed, refill your Prozac scrip and buy some shotgun shells just in case. My bet is on the truckload of weed, way to go Mike!

…it’s good!