Necessary Roughness, Week 7 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Seven in the NFL :
The “haves” have hot dogs, and the “have-nots” look a lot like SPAM

Where...

…there were no skid marks on Aaron Rodgers!
…most teams are bad, but a few teams are good!
…he’s no Larry Johnson, but ADP bashes Gay as well!
…Ced Benson proves revenge is a dish best served really, really cold!
…Chris Cooley bleached his hair just in time to look funny in the OR. Great Job!
…Jake Delhomme had a nightmare that he kept throwing precious kittens into traffic!
…if this continues, you might want to grab Jim Sorgi and Brian Hoyer for your fantasy team!

...beyond belief


1st and 10...

Why is Dreamy Sanchez getting so much negative attention for eating a hot dog during the football game? He was hungry. Is it because he didn’t eat a PowerDog® sponsored by Gatorade™ topped with GoMustard® (from the GM™ food division)? The same people in the sporting press that have taken issue with Sanchez would literally trample kittens to get to a hot dog buffet. Joey Chestnut is a beloved American hero for partaking in televised hot-dog-eating orgies, and Mark Sanchez can’t eat one hot dog in the fourth quarter of a blowout win over Oakland? The real shocker is that there was on-field hot dog eating in a Jets/Raiders game and it was not being done by Rex Ryan or Jamarcus Russell.

I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit sick over Leon Washington’s injury, but not due to its Theismann-esque goriness; but because I added Washington to one of my fantasy teams where every conceivable tragedy has occurred within my stable of running backs other than an on-field compound fracture. This includes a H1N1 scare. So it’s pretty much my fault, and I probably should have seen it coming. My bad, Leon. I hope you make it back on the field next year, and I hope the Jets reward you for the way you were playing, even though you turned down a pretty sizable contract at the start of training camp. But still, that was gross.

The New Orleans Saints won in gritty comeback fashion on Sunday and many pundits insist they’ve won every “type” of game they’ve needed to win thus far to prove they can make and win the big one. This includes games against the Lions, Bills, and Jets. What about the “type” of game where they play the Indianapolis Colts or the New England Patriots? What about the “type” of game where they play the Pittsburg Steelers or the Denver Broncos? Hey New Orleans Saints, are those little mice scampering around back there in your backfield or is that your quarterback Drew Brees and decoyback Reggie Bush? Oh, Sean Payton, you like to wear sun visors? You like to wear sun visors. That’s the joke, it’s you and your sun visor Sean Payton. Your team plays in a dome. What are you doing? What will you do in a cold, outdoor game on the road in December? Oh wait, I should have guessed. Why do you hate the cap part of all hats, Sean? Why?

Possible dialogue from Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico during the third quarter of the Monday Night Football game (a scoreless quarter in one of the most disgusting MNF games in recent memory):

Gruden:
Hey der, ahhh…Jon Gruden, coach for hire ‘ere, and-a I wanna take a minute ‘ere da talk for just a second bout line play. It’s impordandt. Dese lineman are really, really big; both on the offensive and defensive lines, an dey really gotta fire out and win dose really impordandt, really hard battles goin’ on dere in da trenches. Ahhh…right, Jaws?

Jaworski:
That’s right Jon!!! In the National Football League, there’s absolutely no substitute for good line play in the National Football League!

Tirico:
Kill me.

Now the fourth quarter:

Jaworski:
…I don’t know about that Jon, I’ve been around the National Football League a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of things in the National Football League, but I’ve never seen a team voluntarily choose to have only 10 players on the field. There’s just no package like that in the National Football League.

Gruden:
All I’m saying ‘ere Jaws is dat I think dere can be a specific strategic advantage to maybe commin’ up with a few packages ‘ere and dere that could utilize only 10 players an really just harness the element of surprise. Kinda like the Wildcat! Only with 10 players an ya just snap the ball to the quarderback like normal, only there’s no runnin’ back…

Tirico:
Sorry to interrupt guys, but while you were talking Jason Campbell threw a touchdown pass to Fred Davis. I hate you both.

...touchdown!


extra point...

If we started a campaign and all gave a dollar, maybe it would be enough so that we could pay Jim Zorn off, and he could just mercifully quit as head coach, void his contract and stop making that face that he made all Monday night. That was nearly as big a disgrace to Monday Night Football as broadcasting it on ESPN.

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 6 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness, Week Six in the NFL:
The Detroit Lions have lost three in a row for the first time in over a year and three weeks


where...

…seven Saints scored!
…the head Chief rules over his people!
…Tom Brady!!! OMG!!!! Dimples in the snow!!!!!
…the Ravens mount a huge comeback against the Vikes to not win the game!
…the Detroit Lions averaged 16 points-per-game during their 0-16 winless season!
…the Rams are 0-16 dating back to last season and have averaged 12 points-per-game!
…Brian Westbrook had 6 carries for 50 yards in a loss to the Raiders! Great job Andy Reid!

...beyond belief!


1st and 10...
(the links beyond belief edition sponsored by PBR, bratwurst and the internet)

Vinny Cerrato and mega-douche team owner Daniel Snyder have definitely found the answer to the Redskins problems in hiring a volunteer bingo caller to dial up plays as their Offensive Coordinator while simultaneously castrating an already, ummm…eunique head coach in Jameson Zorn. That’s right, double castration. I don’t know how it works, but roll with it. Sherman Lewis, the Redskins new OC, is a well-respected offensive mind around the NFL (not an offensive guru genius like this guy, but who can match those wits?), which begs the question; why would he leave a sweet bingo gig to call plays for a dysfunctional NFL franchise over a quarter of the way through a season in which they are 2-4 and have yet to play a team with a win? You would think Sherm would be smarter than that. Unless…unless he is preceding an old, orange acquaintance he met while swinging from the Mike Holmgren branch to the George Seifert branch of the Bill Walsh coaching tree. Hmmm.

There probably aren’t a ton of 12 to 14 year-old girls who read this blog (my guess is somewhere between 89 and 113), so be sure to tell any of them you know with a tweeny crush on undefeated coaching sensation Josh McDaniels that the word is out; he totally wants an official, carbine-action, 200 shot lightning load, range model air rifle for Christmas. The one with the compass in the stock. Add it to the list of things that we’re positive he likes:

air rifles, spikey haircuts, sweatshirts and swishy pants, showing emotion, kites, BMX, Franken Berry cereal, horror movies with nudity, juice, boomerangs, staying up late on Friday nights, Zac Efron, Brandon Marshall, hot dogs, Hulkamania, whips, and wrestling. And football.

We also know he doesn’t like losing, being told what to do, cooties, homework, and brussel sprouts, and we’re not sure where he stands right now on responsibilities, acne and girls.

The kickoff pigeon is locked in a heated contract dispute with team owner Al Davis over several of the incentives being worked in to his new contract. One of the pigeon’s chief concerns is that the contract is back-loaded with mountains of stale bread crusts, old popcorn and cigarette butts that he can pick at. While kickoff pigeon certainly would enjoy that kind of financial stability in the future, he also says you have to live in the present. NFL players can get hurt at any time, and kickoff pigeon believes he has somewhere between 100-450 offspring scattered about the entire bay area that he supports financially. Michael Crabtree’s agents think that kickoff pigeon should announce that he is willing to sit out until 2014 and join a junior high football team and go through the ranks all over again from high school to the draft just to prove his point, but after seeing how it all worked out for Mike; that might lead to kickoff pigeon eating a little crow. Done? Done. I think all avenues (other than the fact that Al Davis was definitely wearing a colostomy bag at the game) were covered. And Davis may have been main-lining formaldehyde, but it was too dark in his box suite to be certain. Seriously, done.

Phil Rivers is a trash-talkin’ quarterback, and that’s okay because there are rules in the league that prevent him from ever backing it up and taking a hit. It’s really the perfect role for Rivers as he has always looked like the villainous bully in an 80’s movie with the letter jacket and Kerri Green on his arm who eventually gets shown up by the asthmatic, four-eyed underdog at the end of the movie, much to everyone’s delight. Throw in a neck-beard and that exact scenario pretty much played out on Monday night. Way to go Lucas…I mean Kyle!

...touchdown!


extra point...

Donny Mac had one of those games where he loafs around, looks fat, throws balls at receiver’s feet, pukes in a trash can when nobody is looking, doesn’t care and generally draws the ire of Philadelphia down upon himself. Just remember this any time you’re picking the Eagles in any sort of situation ranging from fantasy football to three-team parlays; this guy is their quarterback, and he can do this at any point against any team, and he will definitely do it against a good team in a big situation. End of story. There is enough evidence.

...it's good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 5 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Five in the NFL:
Dre' Bly does a hilarious impression of Leon Lett

where…

…we definitely saw the referee hand Owen Schmitt a razor blade.
…the Browns, Bills, Redskins and Panthers all participated in a crap-fest.
…Big Ben beat Detroit, just barely, but he’s cool with it like raping bartenders.
…everyone in Cleveland wishes Braylon Edwards’ hands dipped in molten lava.
…the rampaging Sex Fire in New York is now just a small grease fire in the kitchen.
…we don’t browbeat Joe Flacco, yo. It wasn’t really his fault. But it wasn’t not his fault.

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Steve Slaton, LaDanian Tomlinson, DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, Ryan Grant, Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Darren McFadden and LenDale White have about as much a chance of scoring a touchdown every week as a tumble weed. They are not good. Not good at all. I have them all on my fantasy team. I’m totally screwed. Do you care?

Roughly every 5,000 times Brett Favre throws a pass, he completes it to himself, including his first-ever pass attempt in the NFL. It happened again in Week Five. At the rate the Minnesota Vikings are using his arm—because they obviously have no ground game—Brett will throw another completion to himself sometime around Week Nine. Be sure to start him as your fantasy quarterback for that week as long as you are in a points-per-reception league. You can thank me later, unless Favre gets Theismann’d before week nine, which is always a possibility. Brett Favre is a douche.

Look out for the Wildcat…RAWRRH! Any time you can run an offense from the 1950’s based on a bunch of white guys at the skill positions, you have to do it! I mean, there’s no way Ronnie Brown runs for 3.7 yards per carry without faking 17 handoffs first, right? Why have just one guy wrapped up in directing your offense—like, say Peyton Manning—when you can get four players consumed with receiving the snap, handing the football off, throwing the football or running with the football? Way to go Tony Sparano! Where can I get one of those sweet NFL licensed Miami Dolphins tents that you wear as a wind-breaker on the sidelines? Those things are sweet, and they look warm for winter camping.

Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh?!? Are you kidding me? Is he partnered with John Rocker, Jim Crow, Mark Fuhrman, Derek and Danny Vinyard (pre-curbing), Terrell Owens, Jimmy The Greek, Remy, George Bush (Junior, remember him?), my dad, Michael Richards, white people (ironically) in the south, John Wayne, Republicans, and white people in his attempt to purchase the Rams? Unreal. Letting this guy into the League is like wishing syphilis upon your freshly cleansed genitals. It’s like becoming voluntarily possessed by a vomit-spewing specter from the netherworld. Resist NFL team owners, resist…

…touchdown!


extra point…

Wow, how did Mike Simms-Walker find a way to get suspended in Seattle during this time of year? The only thing to do in the northwest right now is load up your Netflix queue, buy a truckload of weed, refill your Prozac scrip and buy some shotgun shells just in case. My bet is on the truckload of weed, way to go Mike!

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 4 in the NFL

Necessary Roughness presents…

Week Four in the NFL:
Ray Lewis feels as though the Ravens were ganged up on by the refs and kicked repeatedly while they were down, killing any chance of a victory


where...

...real men wear pink.
...the Lions win streak is shattered.
...the Bucs and Skins face off in a crap duel.
...Jeff Fisher has the best winless stache in football.
...Favre has one month to refill his reserve tanks of steely, super emotion.
...Tony Romo tries out for the lead in a remake of Shakiest Gun in the West.
...Jay Cutler does an impression of Anton Chigurh doing an impression of John Elway.

...beyond belief!


1st and 10...

The Sex Fire in New York was briefly extinguished by the New Orleans Saints...but not well. It was not fully stamped out, and a few smoldering sex coals remain. These red-hot magma coals need tended to and fanned, and they need a little kindling. They will burn again, and when they do, the Big Apple will be happily roasted in sex flames like the apple in a roast pig's roasted mouth. Then Rex Ryan will eat the pig, and he will be the happiest one of all. For a little while.

There can be absolutely no truth to the ridiculous rumor that Braylon Edwards punched anyone in the face, especially a friend of LeBron James. Braylon's boxing form is too poor to ever win a fight; he's always dropping his gloves. But seriously, this can't help LeBrons chances of staying in Cleveland past 2010. Why would he hang around a town where his friends and family are threatened by football bully jocks? It's probably just all blown out of proportion though. There's also another rumor that Braylon was in a meeting with Brian Sipe, Earnest Byner, John Elway, Art Modell and Dropsy McGhee at two o'clock Monday morning, so he couldn't possibly have been at View Ultralounge to punch LeBron's buddy. So settle down Cleveland, Braylon sounds like a great guy, and this will probably just all blow over.

The New Orleans Saints are 4-0 for the first time since 1993, which is whiggity-whack, yo! The rest of the NFC South better check themselves before they wreck themselves. The Saints offense has been as cool as tight-rolled jeans for a few seasons now, but the Saints defense is making a difference like Heal the World, for real! The biggest Saints related news this week though is the release of the Drew Brees themed, #9 Beanie Baby. If you're a Saints fan, be sure to get one before they sell out. They're collectible!

Desite all of the wins, the streak and the record books; despite the narcissistic interviews and teary press conferences; in site of all the prior press coverage and flying in the face of the fact that every person who has ever even remotely followed the National Football League through an entire football season has already come to the conclusion that Brett Favre is, indeed, good, Jon Gruden still chose to spend all of Monday night telling us that Brett Favre is good. The entire Monday Night Football broadcast! I just hope he didn't spend all week locked in his office game-planning, chugging coffee in the dark, watching VHS tapes of NFC North games from 1996 and thinking about the glory days for a performance like that.

...touchdown!


extra point...

Tom, you reacted like the legless torso of a zombie was right at your feet, chomping it's teeth on your shoelaces. Pointing at the ground and screaming, what was up with that? Brady has to be the top QB in fantasy leagues that count yardage gained by unfairly using your star power and overall dreaminess to influence the referee to throw a flag that never should have been thrown. Way to go Tom!

...it's good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 3 in the NFL

Necessary Roughness presents…

Week Three in the NFL:
Mark Sanchez uses his head for more than just housing his dreamy face

Where…

…the Houston Texans were hot blooded!

…the Detroit Lions are riding a one-game win streak!

…dreamy Jets QB has really bright future!  Unless his coach eats him!

…tired, old guys can heave miraculous game-winning touchdown passes!

…the Jets/Titans/Titans/Oilers game ended with 13 straight incompletions!

…the Seattle Seahawk jerseys were louder than grunge, louder than the 12^th Man!

…TO used a tiny hat to squeeze his emotions into submission instead of lashing out!

…beyond belief!

1^st and Goal…

At least, maybe for one week, Favre deserved all the attention.  His half-gun-sling-half-prayer into the end zone was a miracle, but that game was great for many other reasons.  Vernon Davis had his record-shattering 7^th coming-out-party!  Way to go Vernon!  We’ll see you again next year.  Also, Mike Singletary can surely come up with a few more items to hang around his neck.  I hope he gets creative next week against Saint Louis.

Mike Tirico alluded to it Monday night, but that was a giant mulligan the NFL served Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys.  Just in case they couldn’t get it done on national television for their home opener (which they couldn’t), they’re at home on national television the following week with Jake Delhomme and his circus of bumbling fumbles?  Come on, that’s a lock even with Tony Romo in a slightly big game atmosphere.

It’s not going to be easy for you to embrace guys like Pierre Garcon and Pierre Thomas, but if they are on your favorite team, you have no choice.  Of course these guys aren’t really from France, but you’re never going to wash them clean from the stigma in your mind.  So just tell yourself that they are from the part of France that doesn’t make them gay, whatever town or region that might be.  You could also tell yourself they are from a French-speaking part of Canada.  That might help.  There might be lumberjacks there.  Whatever it takes. 

Calm down Cincinnati.  The Bengals still haven’t won enough games against the Steelers to ever call that a rivalry and the Ravens are still the scariest looking team in the AFC North (and maybe the entire League).  On the bright side, it was a nice win for the Bengals and all of their fans.  On the not so bright side, it was probably the marquee win in a long season full of ups and downs, injuries, questionable coaching decisions and blank stares on your way to 8-8.  The Bengals have just enough offense to be feisty, just enough defense to be stingy and not enough of either to really make a difference.  Have fun with that.

…Touchdown!

Extra point…

Before too long, and assuming his coach doesn’t accidentally eat him, the Mark Sanchez Smoldering Dreaminess Hotness is going to overtake the Tom Brady Dreamtime Dimples Hotness.  Just wait and see.  And when it does, the Jets will be transformed into the New York Sex Fires of Football, and Joe Namath will be very pleased.

…it’s good!