Necessary Roughness, Week 20 in the NFL

NR presents

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 20 in the NFL :
The Super Bowl x 2 (- two weeks of hype) = Championship Sunday

we were treated to…

The NFC Championship Game: Where the best team didn’t win!
The AFC Championship Game: Featuring Peyton Manning, Football Cyborg!

…beyond belief!

1st and 10…

I thought Brad Childress’ twelve men on the field penalty was a gutsy call, I really did. Sure, it eventually cost the Vikings the game by thrusting Brett into full-time Gunslinger mode, but you have to admire his intestinal fortitude to roll the dice with such a gutsy call in such a big moment. Head coaches are always looking for some sort of advantage, and I’m sure Brad thought he had found one by sneaking one more man on the field than the Saints. Hey, if it had worked out, we would all be singing his praises as a master strategist this week. It was definitely no fourth and two. That call was just crazy. Great job, Brad!

Peyton Manning is a football cyborg. He absorbs data at a rapid rate. Not quite as rapid as Rex Ryan can take down a crate of nachos, but really rapid. The Colts should probably look into writing some emotion algorithms to download into his cyborg brain if they don’t want it to be so obvious. Peyton probably played the greatest game of his career last Sunday, and he didn’t even crack a smile afterwards. He looked like he wanted to crush the Lamar Hunt trophy in his pneumatic, laser rocket hand. In a story related to the Colts and the Super Bowl; the New Orleans Saints really couldn’t have been more pumped after winning the NFC Championship. Every one of them, even their coach, had a “we are just happy to be here” look on their faces. Whoops, looks like bad news Saints fans, bonne chance. You better find your team a gris-gris and quick.

The Saints/Vikings game was the worst best game of all time. The score made it seem as though it was an exciting back-and-forth style shootout, but I fell asleep for the entire third quarter. It was a sloppy game full of fumbles, turnovers and uncharacteristic dropped passes out of supposed big-time receivers. Reggie Bush re-disappeared and Adrian Peterson, for all the stories about his deadly handshake, looked like he was in a greased pig contest. Drew Brees had nearly 47 passing yards and had the same glazed over look on his face as Sean Payton. The game had the overall feel of 22 guys simeoultaneously pooping their jocks on the field while their teammates and coaches on the sidelines vomited into trash cans and chewed their nails. It was really weird and, apparently, chock full of forceful bodily excretions.

Now that David Garrard will play quarterback for the AFC Pro Bowl, I think the entire event needs an overhaul. Forget about the game, what fans should be really treated to is a skills competition between their favorite, actually talented players. Bring back the quarterback skills competition with actual skilled quarterbacks (no offense Garrard and Vince Young). Maybe we can get a wide receiver foot race or put some thought into a running back skills challenge. Here are just a few ideas to freshen up the stale, weekend-long marketing campaign that is the current Pro Bowl:

Tony Romo vs. Brett Favre in a Gunslinger contest
Both quarterbacks duel in an old-fashioned, fun-loving gunslinging contest in which they run around, make throws across their body, throw off their heels and chuck the ball into the air while they are falling down. We could also simulate shotgun snaps over their head so we can see how they each free style a broken play. They will be judged like gymnasts, with a perfect score of 10.0. Think of it as a floor exercise style display of gunslinging adeptness.

Jake Delhomme vs. Jay Cutler in a completion contest
Each quarterback will have three wide receivers running routes with only one defender to cover them and unlimited time to make a throw. The quarterback with the least amount of interceptions wins. If neither quarterback can complete a pass and have the same amount of interceptions, then the quarterback with the least amount of fumbles during the competition will be awarded the victory.

Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens and Roy Williams in a receptions contest
Each receiver will stand ten feet away from Peyton Manning who will then toss them light, easy passes as if warming up before a game. The receiver who drops the least amount of passes wins. If no receiver actually manages to catch a pass, then all three receivers will be beaten severely by Jared Allen.

LaDanian Tomlinson vs. Matt Forte in a yards from scrimmage contest
Each running back will have ten attempts against an imaginary defense to not slowly run to the line of scrimmage and fall down. In the unlikely event that either back gains a yard from scrimmage, that back will win the competition. In the likely event that each back gains zero yards from scrimmage against an imaginary defense, LT will be declared the winner in a Lifetime Achievement Award sort of way.

These are just a few of my ideas, what suggestions do you have?


extra point…

Hey, did you guys know that Peyton Manning’s father, Archie Manning, once played quarterback for the Saints and now Peyton is playing the Saints in the Super Bowl? Peyton also grew up in Louisiana cheering for the Saints. It’s true! Also, New Orleans was apparently nearly leveled by a hurricane a few years ago, and the Saints played a big part in the healing process. That is also true, you can look that one up on the internet if you don’t believe me. Did you know that, according to pundits, Peyton needs to win this Super Bowl to validate his career? I wasn’t aware, but whatever. If you didn’t know these things (and many more); get ready for them to be rammed down your throat for the next week and a half of Super Bowl super hype. You will be dreaming about Archie Manning throwing long balls, near-Biblical floods and young Peyton wearing a paper bag on his head by next week. The hype machine is all fueled up for an extended run.

…it’s good!


  1. Bill Belichik vs. Josh McDaniels in a cut-off sleeve hoodie matchup.

  2. it would be like kirk vs. spock on the planet vulcan...