Necessary Roughness, Week 19 in the NFL

NR presents

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 19 in the NFL:
Boss Hog has the Jets flying high! R-E-X, Rex, Rex, Rex!

in honor of edgar allan poe’s birthday…


...quoth the Ravens, the 2009 season is nevermore!
...will Anquan Boldin play for the Arizona Cardinals!
...this season will we be subjected to Tony Romo’s douchebaggery!
...will we see LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines as a Charger!
...this season will Ray Ray and Ray Ray Jr. dance during player introductions!
...will Kurt Warner play for the Arizona Cardinals (unless eight figures are involved)!
...this season will Wade Philips stare out at the field blankly and bong Diet Dr. Peppers!
...can Phil Rivers be mentioned in the Manning/Brady/Brees conversation, regardless of stats!

…beyond belief!

1st and 10…

Norval Turner is probably the only coach in the NFL who is scared enough of the Jets offense to onside kick with 2:18 left in the game while holding two timeouts and the two-minute warning. Seriously Norv? Not only did the failed onside kick chop 35 yards off your field position in a field position game, it allowed the Jets a four down set they would not have had at their own 30 yard line. They would have run three times and punted the ball back to San Diego with around a minute left on the clock. In related news, the Chargers gave Norv a three-year contract extension this week, so there should be plenty of other coaching mishaps in the years to come. Also, this loss marked the fourth straight playoff loss where we’ve been treated to multiple shots of an either injured or ineffective LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines. No word on when he will receive an eight year, $165 million dollar extension from the Charger executives, but it should come before the end of the week.

Good lord, I don’t normally like to revel in other’s misery; but seeing Tony Romo get batted and tossed around like a baby seal caught in a killer whale feeding frenzy was just too much fun. I can’t remember a quarterback taking a beating like that in the Divisional Round in my lifetime. Normally, playoff teams have football fundamentals such as pass blocking pretty much figured out, but not the Cowboys. But we must give credit to the Vikings and their fearsome defense, Keith Brooking. They had the perfect game plan to stop Dallas’ vaunted pass offensive and their three-headed monster at running back. It seemed as though Dallas’ only defensive strategy was to stand there like a hippy on acid at a Jefferson Airplane concert in San Francisco in 1967. Mesmerized by the sights and sounds. Pathetic. Seriously Keith Brooking, if you didn’t want the Vikings to score that last touchdown, then you should have played some defense. You don’t play on a Division II team in the NCAA Keith; you play for the Dallas freaking Cowboys. There is no mercy. That much would have been proven to you if you would have spent another second jawing at the Minnesota sidelines. Jared Allen was about to “hit you in the mouth, hit you in the face, knock you to the ground,” and all the other ridiculous things you say in your pregame pep talk.

The Buffalo Bills are now accepting applications for their vacant coordinator positions. After being spurned for interviews for their vacant head coaching position not once, but twice, over the weekend before settling on deep backup Chan Gailey, the Bills have expanded their coordinator search to include candidates without any football experience at all. The ideal candidate will have a college degree, preferably from an accredited four-year program, but degrees from community colleges will also be considered. The candidate must be comfortable in severe weather (snow showers as early as August, blinding, apocalyptic blizzards by November) and they must be willing to relocate at some point in the next few years (Los Angeles, Toronto or England). The right candidate will have experience feeding soup to octogenarians so that they can work side-by-side with the team owner, as well as training in the baby Heimlich maneuver as the Bills have an infantile wide receiver who has now taken to choking in big situations. Above all else, applicants are advised to never combine the words “wide” and “right” in any sentence or in any way, shape or form. Ever.

I don’t normally like to waste my time with Hall of Fame discussions as they mean nothing to what is actually happening in the NFL, but now that Kurt Warner has been reminded what an NFL hit is like and will definitely be retiring; the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame discussion seems to be happening. Let’s remember a few things before we order his grizzled, Jesus-loving bust for Canton. Kurt Warner won one Super Bowl. You know who else won one Super Bowl? Trent Dilfer. Is he going to the Hall as well? Hell, Rex Grossman played in a Super Bowl; does that give him a 50% shot at Canton? Kurt won that Super Bowl with one of the most ridiculously stacked teams of all time (offense and defense), and he couldn’t win it the following year with essentially the same team. His role in the Greatest Show on Turf was to hand the ball off to Marshall Faulk and either throw the ball really far to a young Torry Holt, or check down to an in-his-prime Isaac Bruce. You or I could have probably done two of those things. He was easily rattled, he always turtled on phantom pressure after taking a big hit, he lost two Super Bowls and his wife is really annoying. I know it’s really neat to think we are watching Hall of Fame players play football, but let’s not get carried away.


extra point…

There has been a lot of talk this week about how the Colts put on a “boring” performance in their slap down of the hapless Baltimore Ravens on Saturday, and I don’t understand it. The Jets and Ravens are applauded for their defensive beat downs yet the Colts are criticized for the very same thing? That was a nasty, swarming Indy defense and if you can’t enjoy a game like that, then you just don’t like football, period. The Colts are not the high-flying, high-octane offensive juggernaut of years past. They plod along on offense with eight minute drives and kill teams at the end of each half with a score. The defense is just plain nasty and they have ditched the “bend” portion of the “bend but don’t break” defense of yesteryear. Now they just break the other team. I guess those “experts” calling it a boring game would rather see a bunch of turnovers and touchdowns and pretty fireworks, but that isn’t football. These were the same people calling the ’07 Pats “classless” for running up the score but didn’t so much as mumble a peep when Brett Favre tossed his last touchdown Sunday on a play-action pass to his tight end. I don’t have a problem with what Brett did, but these same people calling the Colts game boring were the same people complaining that Belichick and Brady were running up the score two years ago.

…in honor of nate kaeding and shaun suisham…

…no good!

1 comment:

  1. Lisa Fay20.1.10

    laugh-out-loud funny, friendo. keep it up!