Necessary Roughness, Week 20 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 20 in the NFL :
The Super Bowl x 2 (- two weeks of hype) = Championship Sunday


we were treated to…

The NFC Championship Game: Where the best team didn’t win!
The AFC Championship Game: Featuring Peyton Manning, Football Cyborg!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

I thought Brad Childress’ twelve men on the field penalty was a gutsy call, I really did. Sure, it eventually cost the Vikings the game by thrusting Brett into full-time Gunslinger mode, but you have to admire his intestinal fortitude to roll the dice with such a gutsy call in such a big moment. Head coaches are always looking for some sort of advantage, and I’m sure Brad thought he had found one by sneaking one more man on the field than the Saints. Hey, if it had worked out, we would all be singing his praises as a master strategist this week. It was definitely no fourth and two. That call was just crazy. Great job, Brad!

Peyton Manning is a football cyborg. He absorbs data at a rapid rate. Not quite as rapid as Rex Ryan can take down a crate of nachos, but really rapid. The Colts should probably look into writing some emotion algorithms to download into his cyborg brain if they don’t want it to be so obvious. Peyton probably played the greatest game of his career last Sunday, and he didn’t even crack a smile afterwards. He looked like he wanted to crush the Lamar Hunt trophy in his pneumatic, laser rocket hand. In a story related to the Colts and the Super Bowl; the New Orleans Saints really couldn’t have been more pumped after winning the NFC Championship. Every one of them, even their coach, had a “we are just happy to be here” look on their faces. Whoops, looks like bad news Saints fans, bonne chance. You better find your team a gris-gris and quick.

The Saints/Vikings game was the worst best game of all time. The score made it seem as though it was an exciting back-and-forth style shootout, but I fell asleep for the entire third quarter. It was a sloppy game full of fumbles, turnovers and uncharacteristic dropped passes out of supposed big-time receivers. Reggie Bush re-disappeared and Adrian Peterson, for all the stories about his deadly handshake, looked like he was in a greased pig contest. Drew Brees had nearly 47 passing yards and had the same glazed over look on his face as Sean Payton. The game had the overall feel of 22 guys simeoultaneously pooping their jocks on the field while their teammates and coaches on the sidelines vomited into trash cans and chewed their nails. It was really weird and, apparently, chock full of forceful bodily excretions.

Now that David Garrard will play quarterback for the AFC Pro Bowl, I think the entire event needs an overhaul. Forget about the game, what fans should be really treated to is a skills competition between their favorite, actually talented players. Bring back the quarterback skills competition with actual skilled quarterbacks (no offense Garrard and Vince Young). Maybe we can get a wide receiver foot race or put some thought into a running back skills challenge. Here are just a few ideas to freshen up the stale, weekend-long marketing campaign that is the current Pro Bowl:

Tony Romo vs. Brett Favre in a Gunslinger contest
Both quarterbacks duel in an old-fashioned, fun-loving gunslinging contest in which they run around, make throws across their body, throw off their heels and chuck the ball into the air while they are falling down. We could also simulate shotgun snaps over their head so we can see how they each free style a broken play. They will be judged like gymnasts, with a perfect score of 10.0. Think of it as a floor exercise style display of gunslinging adeptness.

Jake Delhomme vs. Jay Cutler in a completion contest
Each quarterback will have three wide receivers running routes with only one defender to cover them and unlimited time to make a throw. The quarterback with the least amount of interceptions wins. If neither quarterback can complete a pass and have the same amount of interceptions, then the quarterback with the least amount of fumbles during the competition will be awarded the victory.

Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens and Roy Williams in a receptions contest
Each receiver will stand ten feet away from Peyton Manning who will then toss them light, easy passes as if warming up before a game. The receiver who drops the least amount of passes wins. If no receiver actually manages to catch a pass, then all three receivers will be beaten severely by Jared Allen.

LaDanian Tomlinson vs. Matt Forte in a yards from scrimmage contest
Each running back will have ten attempts against an imaginary defense to not slowly run to the line of scrimmage and fall down. In the unlikely event that either back gains a yard from scrimmage, that back will win the competition. In the likely event that each back gains zero yards from scrimmage against an imaginary defense, LT will be declared the winner in a Lifetime Achievement Award sort of way.

These are just a few of my ideas, what suggestions do you have?

…touchdown!


extra point…

Hey, did you guys know that Peyton Manning’s father, Archie Manning, once played quarterback for the Saints and now Peyton is playing the Saints in the Super Bowl? Peyton also grew up in Louisiana cheering for the Saints. It’s true! Also, New Orleans was apparently nearly leveled by a hurricane a few years ago, and the Saints played a big part in the healing process. That is also true, you can look that one up on the internet if you don’t believe me. Did you know that, according to pundits, Peyton needs to win this Super Bowl to validate his career? I wasn’t aware, but whatever. If you didn’t know these things (and many more); get ready for them to be rammed down your throat for the next week and a half of Super Bowl super hype. You will be dreaming about Archie Manning throwing long balls, near-Biblical floods and young Peyton wearing a paper bag on his head by next week. The hype machine is all fueled up for an extended run.

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 19 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 19 in the NFL:
Boss Hog has the Jets flying high! R-E-X, Rex, Rex, Rex!


in honor of edgar allan poe’s birthday…

nevermore…

...quoth the Ravens, the 2009 season is nevermore!
...will Anquan Boldin play for the Arizona Cardinals!
...this season will we be subjected to Tony Romo’s douchebaggery!
...will we see LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines as a Charger!
...this season will Ray Ray and Ray Ray Jr. dance during player introductions!
...will Kurt Warner play for the Arizona Cardinals (unless eight figures are involved)!
...this season will Wade Philips stare out at the field blankly and bong Diet Dr. Peppers!
...can Phil Rivers be mentioned in the Manning/Brady/Brees conversation, regardless of stats!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Norval Turner is probably the only coach in the NFL who is scared enough of the Jets offense to onside kick with 2:18 left in the game while holding two timeouts and the two-minute warning. Seriously Norv? Not only did the failed onside kick chop 35 yards off your field position in a field position game, it allowed the Jets a four down set they would not have had at their own 30 yard line. They would have run three times and punted the ball back to San Diego with around a minute left on the clock. In related news, the Chargers gave Norv a three-year contract extension this week, so there should be plenty of other coaching mishaps in the years to come. Also, this loss marked the fourth straight playoff loss where we’ve been treated to multiple shots of an either injured or ineffective LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines. No word on when he will receive an eight year, $165 million dollar extension from the Charger executives, but it should come before the end of the week.

Good lord, I don’t normally like to revel in other’s misery; but seeing Tony Romo get batted and tossed around like a baby seal caught in a killer whale feeding frenzy was just too much fun. I can’t remember a quarterback taking a beating like that in the Divisional Round in my lifetime. Normally, playoff teams have football fundamentals such as pass blocking pretty much figured out, but not the Cowboys. But we must give credit to the Vikings and their fearsome defense, Keith Brooking. They had the perfect game plan to stop Dallas’ vaunted pass offensive and their three-headed monster at running back. It seemed as though Dallas’ only defensive strategy was to stand there like a hippy on acid at a Jefferson Airplane concert in San Francisco in 1967. Mesmerized by the sights and sounds. Pathetic. Seriously Keith Brooking, if you didn’t want the Vikings to score that last touchdown, then you should have played some defense. You don’t play on a Division II team in the NCAA Keith; you play for the Dallas freaking Cowboys. There is no mercy. That much would have been proven to you if you would have spent another second jawing at the Minnesota sidelines. Jared Allen was about to “hit you in the mouth, hit you in the face, knock you to the ground,” and all the other ridiculous things you say in your pregame pep talk.

The Buffalo Bills are now accepting applications for their vacant coordinator positions. After being spurned for interviews for their vacant head coaching position not once, but twice, over the weekend before settling on deep backup Chan Gailey, the Bills have expanded their coordinator search to include candidates without any football experience at all. The ideal candidate will have a college degree, preferably from an accredited four-year program, but degrees from community colleges will also be considered. The candidate must be comfortable in severe weather (snow showers as early as August, blinding, apocalyptic blizzards by November) and they must be willing to relocate at some point in the next few years (Los Angeles, Toronto or England). The right candidate will have experience feeding soup to octogenarians so that they can work side-by-side with the team owner, as well as training in the baby Heimlich maneuver as the Bills have an infantile wide receiver who has now taken to choking in big situations. Above all else, applicants are advised to never combine the words “wide” and “right” in any sentence or in any way, shape or form. Ever.

I don’t normally like to waste my time with Hall of Fame discussions as they mean nothing to what is actually happening in the NFL, but now that Kurt Warner has been reminded what an NFL hit is like and will definitely be retiring; the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame discussion seems to be happening. Let’s remember a few things before we order his grizzled, Jesus-loving bust for Canton. Kurt Warner won one Super Bowl. You know who else won one Super Bowl? Trent Dilfer. Is he going to the Hall as well? Hell, Rex Grossman played in a Super Bowl; does that give him a 50% shot at Canton? Kurt won that Super Bowl with one of the most ridiculously stacked teams of all time (offense and defense), and he couldn’t win it the following year with essentially the same team. His role in the Greatest Show on Turf was to hand the ball off to Marshall Faulk and either throw the ball really far to a young Torry Holt, or check down to an in-his-prime Isaac Bruce. You or I could have probably done two of those things. He was easily rattled, he always turtled on phantom pressure after taking a big hit, he lost two Super Bowls and his wife is really annoying. I know it’s really neat to think we are watching Hall of Fame players play football, but let’s not get carried away.

…touchdown!


extra point…

There has been a lot of talk this week about how the Colts put on a “boring” performance in their slap down of the hapless Baltimore Ravens on Saturday, and I don’t understand it. The Jets and Ravens are applauded for their defensive beat downs yet the Colts are criticized for the very same thing? That was a nasty, swarming Indy defense and if you can’t enjoy a game like that, then you just don’t like football, period. The Colts are not the high-flying, high-octane offensive juggernaut of years past. They plod along on offense with eight minute drives and kill teams at the end of each half with a score. The defense is just plain nasty and they have ditched the “bend” portion of the “bend but don’t break” defense of yesteryear. Now they just break the other team. I guess those “experts” calling it a boring game would rather see a bunch of turnovers and touchdowns and pretty fireworks, but that isn’t football. These were the same people calling the ’07 Pats “classless” for running up the score but didn’t so much as mumble a peep when Brett Favre tossed his last touchdown Sunday on a play-action pass to his tight end. I don’t have a problem with what Brett did, but these same people calling the Colts game boring were the same people complaining that Belichick and Brady were running up the score two years ago.

…in honor of nate kaeding and shaun suisham…

…no good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 18 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness presents, Week 18 in the NFL :
Playoffs??? Playoffs?!? Don’t talk to me about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs!


the real scores of the wild card games…

…Cardinals 95, the Packers 87. The last team with the ball loses!
…the Cowboys 46-9 over the Eagles. The Philly WR’s feet were open all game!
…the Jets over the Bengals, 5-0. Ochocinco changes his name to Chad Over-Rated!
…the Ravens lead 28-0 midway thru the 1st quarter when the NFL enacted the Mercy Rule!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

The Packers had Neil Rackers, and they let him off the hook! The Pack doesn’t just play a team in the third game of the preseason…the Cardinals are who the Pack thought they were. It’s why they took the damn field! Now, if you wanna crown the Cardinals, then crown their asses. If you don’t want to crown them, then I will. There isn’t a team in the NFC that can score with Arizona, and as gross as it sounds; they will play in the Super Bowl. It’s time for the Warner family to go puppy shopping.

Was Carson Palmer throwing to an invisible, 8-foot tall receiver during the Jets game? Did he think Manute Bol was out there running routes? What was the deal, Carson? Maybe he has the bizarro version of the disease that Donnie McNabb has which causes him to whip passes at his receiver’s feet. If Donnie thinks that his receiver’s are secretly Dig Dug, then Carson must believe that his receivers have the leaping ability of Tom Chambers from Lakers versus Celtics (and the NBA Playoffs) for the Sega Genesis. Bengals fans waited 75 years for that? Who dey now Cincinnati, who dey now? Dey a team that gets whipped by Mark Sanchez in his first-ever playoff game, that’s who dey. Pass the paper grocery bag; I think I’m going to be sick.

Continuing the theme of miserable quarterback play…Towmy? Was that really you? Joe Flacco completed four passes for 34 yards and actually had the better day than the legendary, super-clutch, baby goat loving, fashion icon superstar, Tom Brady. I believe that’s known as a brow-beating, Towmy. All of Boston must have been crying teahs into their beeahs on Monday morning. I would feel bad for them if they weren’t a miserable bunch of big-mouths…the Pats that is. And Bostonians too, I guess. That playoff embarrassment couldn’t have happened to a better coach/team/city/fan base/Bill Simmons. That’s right Pats fans; this is the equivalent of a giant middle finger in your face.

Quick tangent: Leslie Frazier, you are officially this year’s Rooney Rule chump. Stop. Just stop. You are allowing NFL teams to sidestep the rules and exploit you. Someone has to step up and decline an interview. Let it be you. It has to start somewhere. Don’t be the token African-American interview. It is embarrassing. You are a great defensive coordinator and you will get a head coaching opportunity one day. Don’t lower your standards, especially for an organization as miserable as the Seahawks. Maybe since I’m Caucasian, I don’t have any business writing about this issue, but I feel strongly that some NFL teams are taking advantage of eager young men to satisfy/exploit a perfectly legitimate rule handed down by the NFL.

…touchdown!


extra point…

If anyone out there can explain LT’s Electric Glide video, please, please do. So far, my only rationalization is that LaDanian is a huge fan of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim and wanted to make something Awesome Show-worthy. If this is supposed to be funny, then it is. It really is. If it is supposed to be serious, then it is definitely the most hilarious video ever posted on YouTube. The best adjectives to attach to it are “unexplainable”, “inexplicable” and "surreal". I’ve watched it 15 times and counting. What it do? Wave to your mom, she's in the stands. Throw that flag, challenge that call. It wasn't a good call. I didn't like that call. Naw!

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 17 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 17 in the NFL :
You play to win the game, unless you’re the Colts, Saints and Cardinals


where...

…the Bills turn back the clock to 1993 and crush the Colts!
…13 of the 16 games played had little or no effect on the playoffs!
…week 17 provided us the outcome of three of the four wild card games!
…the New York football Giants tuck their giant tails for the second consecutive week!
…thanks to all three people (mom included) who read this blog nearly all regular season!
…Matt Leinart was benched in the midst of a game he knew since mid-season he would play!
…Pittsburg is the first defending champ to not make the playoffs the following year since Pittsburg!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

The Denver Broncos, who started this football season at 6-0 only to finish 2-8, missed the playoffs by losing a do-or-die game to the woeful Kansas City Chiefs at home in blowout fashion. The Chiefs had never won a game at Invesco Field prior to Sunday, going 0-8 there in the past eight seasons. To make matters worse, head coach Josh McDaniels (a one-time undefeated head coaching sensation) benched star receiver Brandon Marshall for not being “invested” in the team for suffering a hamstring injury and demoted his best tight end, Tony Scheffler, to the practice squad for still unclear reasons. Great job Josh! You were the only potential budding branch of the Bill Belichick coaching tree 1/3 of the way through this season before apparently being attacked by emerald ash borers and withering away into a hollow, broken twig lying dead on the ground all while somehow proving, once again, that Belichick is a selfish, arrogant ass hat. If I was a Broncos fan, I would have torn out my own eyeballs and stomped them under heel after watching Jamal Charles gash the Broncos defense while the offense had no real punch with their two best playmakers on the bench. Marshall will look pretty good in a Baltimore Ravens uniform next season, and I guarantee his next head coach John Harbaugh won’t inappropriately call him out after watching how he handled Ed Reed’s injury for the past month.

The Philadelphia Eagles were shut out, stomped and outright embarrassed by the Dallas Cowboys in typical Philly fashion. Andy Reid wasted timeouts and screwed up the game clock, Donny Mac threw tons of passes at his receivers feet and whipped fast balls at their back shoulders as they were running 100 mph in the other direction and the defense fell completely apart in the most inopportune moments, which happened to be nearly every play they were on the field. But what really has Philadelphians chugging Lagers this week is the fact that the Iggies could have locked up a two seed in the NFC and the bye week that comes with it with a win, but will instead be the sixth seed and play the Cowboys in Dallas again in the first round of the playoffs. Upon realizing that the playoffs are played in January and not in December (when Dallas typically struggles), Philadelphians had this sort of Lagerific reaction. You stay classy Philadelphians!

Chris Johnson proved that he wasn’t just talking at the beginning of the season by breaking the 2,000 yard rushing mark (2,006 rush yards from scrimmage) and could have threatened Erik Dickerson’s rushing record if the NFL’s most self-aggrandizing, game-changing, camera-loving referee Ed Hochuli hadn’t called back his 65-yard touchdown run on a bogus holding call. Great job, Ed! There is a penalty on every single play in every game of the season. You just don’t call back a breath-taking, potential record-breaking run like that over something so silly in a game only being played for CJ to break 2,000 yards and beyond. It really is mind-boggling the performance that Sonic the Hedgehog gave us this season. In an era of oft-injured prima-donna skill players, CJ put together an old school display of durability and toughness coupled with world class speed and quickness last seen in Barry Sanders. If the Titans had won one more game and made the playoffs, Chris would have been the obvious league MVP. Thank you Chris Johnson, from the bottom of my heart. As an aficionado of smash-mouth, run first, defensive football; you were a bright spot in a season filled with roughing the passer penalties. Great job.

On the final Football Night in America, Tony Dungy said that he would have coached the Bengals to beat the Jets in a meaningless game for Cincinnati. Hmmm, I seem to remember a game a few seasons ago when Tony had a chance to keep the division rival Tennessee Titans out of the playoffs by beating them at home and thereby allowing the harmless Cleveland Browns into the playoffs, only he benched his starters and allowed the Titans a narrow victory and ultimately a scary third matchup of the season against Tennessee in the playoffs. I will never forget this transgression as it was the moment I turned against Dungy as a Colts fan. Tony’s statement on national television also reinforced what kind of double-talking, hoodie-fearing kind of guy he really is deep down inside. But Tony can’t be blamed entirely, practicing what one preaches has never been a strength of most Christians.

…touchdown!


extra point…

This is the end my friends, the end of the regular season. 17 weeks of glory, and now (mercifully in many cases) only 12 teams remain to play out the post season. The regular season is indeed a marathon full of peaks and valleys, wild speculations and over reactions, Sunday kinship and beer guzzling. It is the true essence of the NFL. Even Rams fans have a sense of hope for the first few weeks of the season. It is truly what makes America the land of the free and the home of the brave. Thank you to all who share in this passion throughout the land, to those who share my modest living room on Sundays, the Blue Doom Crew, and to those in far-away places who phone, text and e-mail throughout the season; we are brothers and sisters of an unbreakable bond. What we share with others is all we have. If we share but mutual passion, then we have shared our souls. Thank you. I hope to have some post season ramblings over the next month and a week.

…it’s good!


ps…

Making the Gaub Blog is, for sure, my early highlight of 2010. Great job LFG, great seeing you and the Reaper King, friendo.

…beyond belief!