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Hey everyone, it's been a while, but I still hope to get Necessary Roughness rolling by the midway point of the season. Until then, check me and the Blue Doom Crew out at

http://www.bluedoom.blogspot.com/

Go Horse! Blue Doom!

Necessary Roughness, Super Bowl Review

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness presents, A Super Bowl Review
the commercials were really great if you enjoy watching commercials


it happened at the super bowl…

The evil Terminator, model P-1800 Manning, was thwarted by Drew Brees, Tracey Porter, John Conner and their little visor-wearing head coach/coaching genius/comic relief Sean Payton.

Coming out of half time, Sean kicked the ball directly at Hank Baskett who tried to field the ball with his face mask and elbow and thereby swung the momentum further in favor of the Saints.

It felt as if there was a missing quarter. Gone…just not even played. Where did it go? Pete Townshend’s computer in a file named “Football Research”? I’ve watched the game three times and it always feels like there’s missing time somewhere. Also, isn’t it weird that the NFL would rather expose a child to Pete than to 90% of a breast?

I’m pretty sure the entire country was swept away in a Saintly tidal wave of post-Katrina penance. 99.8% of America was cheering for the Saints by half time.


…beyond belief!


1st and 10…


It’s a little late, but it was Bill Shakespeare, Mike Martz or Carol Burnett who said that tragedy plus time equals comedy, so why not? How can a Pure White Steed even compete with a friendly, Heavenly Saint? It was unfair from the beginning, and the Saints got rolling fast in front of a roaring home field crowd. Seriously, Sun Life Stadium at Estefan Park had to be 90% Saints fans. 98% by halftime. I heard stories that Colts fans were shut out at the gate like African-American voters in Ohio. It might be true. In the end the “good guys” won the game on a couple big plays and partied like kings in New Orleans for the rest of their lives. The end of the 2009 season. We all know though that of the two teams, Indy and New Orleans, the Colts have a much better shot at being back in the Big Game in 2010, and 2011, at home in 2012 and beyond (assuming the Mayan Apocalypse does not occur) as long as good ole Eighteen laces up his cleats, studies his film and films his commercials.

I suppose we all have to call Sean Payton a genius head coach now, but I still can’t put my heart into saying that. He rolled the dice, he has big cojones, whatever, but he wears a visor. Has anyone else noticed this??? How can we take a grown man wearing a visor seriously? He might as well wear a beret, a balloon animal hat or a beanie with a propeller on top. These would all have the same effect as wearing a visor. How do his own players take him serious? Wouldn’t every decision he makes come under some sort of scrutiny in the huddle? Is there not one Saint who has said, “Hey guys, I know we are supposed to listen to and respect our head coach, but have you seen this guy, he’s wearing a visor.” The only two situations in which it is permissible for a grown man to wear a visor is if he is dealing cards in a high stakes poker game in the wild west or counting racket money for a mobster in the 1950’s, that’s it. I don’t see “Super Bowl” anywhere on that list, but great job anyway. Great job Sean Payton!

There are really only two dagger wounds left from the Super Bowl that still sting. The 51-yard field goal attempt that had absolutely no chance (if it was even within the realm of possibility Stover he would still be a Raven) and was essentially a turn over, and the combined efforts of Reggie Wayne on the interception and the last play of the Colts season. I can glaze over the pick, but I still can’t come to grips with how Reggie lackadaisically let the season squirt through his hands between the one yard line and the end zone with a minute left on the clock. It looked as though he heard footsteps and didn’t want to take the hit necessary to score the touchdown. It was one of those individual moments where you sadly realize that the sum of that moment means much more to you than at least one of the individuals involved. Reggie Wayne didn’t care about catching a touchdown to make it a seven point Saints’ lead with a minute left and a timeout. I did. It happens. We will be “going to work” together again next fall and I can only hope for Reggie to be in the same spot with the same opportunity at his fingertips with no final karmic breaths from Katrina to blow that ball ricocheting away again.

What now? What’s next? What is your plan other than the March Tournament and maybe the NBA Finals in June? We enter the dark, treacherous Barrow-esque sports winter that is the NFL offseason. What will you do to satisfy your hunger with no Snickers in sight? A series of trick questions because the answers do not exist. Nothing can take the place of football and likewise; you cannot possibly start talking about football in early-July even to most of your best friends without being labeled as a lunatic and possible kidnapper or terrorist. What is the next best option, you might ask? Fantasy Football. Losing is an unbearable heart break and winning is only a minor relief, but it increases your NFL knowledge, makes you cool in a room full of dudes, and it makes football a year-round obsession. It gives us an excuse to get together every week of the offseason and talk a little about football. Everything means something.

…touchdown!


extra point…

Check out my more immediate response to the Super Bowl right here at Hipster Douchebag Football Blog. This is a great site for immediate, Hoosier-based Colts reaction. I wrote this in haste, and I would now focus the point of that piece to say simply, the Saints had a national home field advantage against the Colts and it all seemed a touch inevitable. It’s why I rooted for the Vikings in the NFC Championship game. I thought there was enough Favre backlash/hatred to make it 50/50 or even 60/40 nationally. I like Peyton with those odds. At any rate, we gave it hell this year and I would like to highlight the actions of a few folks that will forever go into the Necessary Roughness/Blue Doom Crew Hall of Fame:

To the Fimmano’s, your food and beer contribution were unparalleled. From burgers and wings to calzones and stuffed hot peppers, everything was a masterpiece, and I was always guaranteed to have six stray Henry Weinards in my fridge every Monday morning, at least. Maybe your interests in football were slight, and you probably should have been cheering for the Eagles, but you decided to spend the football season at our joint, cheer for the Colts, and contribute delicious dego cooking, beer and lively chatter. You are the MVP’s of Food and Beverage. Great job!

To Katie and Clarence Duffy, your transcontinental fandom was greatly appreciated. Justin and I were bitter rivals in two games this year, yet I had a deep mancrush on Chris Johnson and Justin was stuck in that weird Tennessean parallel universe of loving Peyton as a Vol yet somehow hating him as a rival Colt. We were able, in the end, to reconcile our differences for the love of the game, and that is the great beauty in this Sunday Spectacle. Thank you for you season-long contributions to the Blue Doom Crew. You are the MVP’s of Entertainment. Great job!

To Allie and RTP, oohh yyeeaahh, you brought the funk like Randy Savage brought a top-turnbuckle elbow splash. Every week, the Doom Dome evolved by virtue of your contributions. Far too numerous to list in complete, the short list includes the Power Rod and Power Chain, bone gloves, the Steed Strip, the Power Bomb and all the playoff hijinks, the WWF, Dallas Clark’s antennae, Robert “The Mantis” Mathis, Gary [], Clint 4:20, warming up the Stove(er), defensive felineman Frankie Muir, Curtis Tainter, Sanchez’s hot dog, Hungry Grizzlebeard, Mr. Estabon (the new guy), Chvck Manson and in-general ass-kicking. Thanks. You are the season-long MVP’s of Pomp and Circumstance. Great Job!

To the Gauby-Gaubs, the current and reigning PAMVP’s, you’re raising the future wives of Peyton Manning Jr. and Bob Sanders Jr. It’s all going according to plan, just keep up the great work. That’s what’s hurts? Great job!

To all the other in-and-out riff raff, you know who you are, great job.

Horse never calls off the dogs.

Blue Doom!

Necessary Roughness, Week 20 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 20 in the NFL :
The Super Bowl x 2 (- two weeks of hype) = Championship Sunday


we were treated to…

The NFC Championship Game: Where the best team didn’t win!
The AFC Championship Game: Featuring Peyton Manning, Football Cyborg!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

I thought Brad Childress’ twelve men on the field penalty was a gutsy call, I really did. Sure, it eventually cost the Vikings the game by thrusting Brett into full-time Gunslinger mode, but you have to admire his intestinal fortitude to roll the dice with such a gutsy call in such a big moment. Head coaches are always looking for some sort of advantage, and I’m sure Brad thought he had found one by sneaking one more man on the field than the Saints. Hey, if it had worked out, we would all be singing his praises as a master strategist this week. It was definitely no fourth and two. That call was just crazy. Great job, Brad!

Peyton Manning is a football cyborg. He absorbs data at a rapid rate. Not quite as rapid as Rex Ryan can take down a crate of nachos, but really rapid. The Colts should probably look into writing some emotion algorithms to download into his cyborg brain if they don’t want it to be so obvious. Peyton probably played the greatest game of his career last Sunday, and he didn’t even crack a smile afterwards. He looked like he wanted to crush the Lamar Hunt trophy in his pneumatic, laser rocket hand. In a story related to the Colts and the Super Bowl; the New Orleans Saints really couldn’t have been more pumped after winning the NFC Championship. Every one of them, even their coach, had a “we are just happy to be here” look on their faces. Whoops, looks like bad news Saints fans, bonne chance. You better find your team a gris-gris and quick.

The Saints/Vikings game was the worst best game of all time. The score made it seem as though it was an exciting back-and-forth style shootout, but I fell asleep for the entire third quarter. It was a sloppy game full of fumbles, turnovers and uncharacteristic dropped passes out of supposed big-time receivers. Reggie Bush re-disappeared and Adrian Peterson, for all the stories about his deadly handshake, looked like he was in a greased pig contest. Drew Brees had nearly 47 passing yards and had the same glazed over look on his face as Sean Payton. The game had the overall feel of 22 guys simeoultaneously pooping their jocks on the field while their teammates and coaches on the sidelines vomited into trash cans and chewed their nails. It was really weird and, apparently, chock full of forceful bodily excretions.

Now that David Garrard will play quarterback for the AFC Pro Bowl, I think the entire event needs an overhaul. Forget about the game, what fans should be really treated to is a skills competition between their favorite, actually talented players. Bring back the quarterback skills competition with actual skilled quarterbacks (no offense Garrard and Vince Young). Maybe we can get a wide receiver foot race or put some thought into a running back skills challenge. Here are just a few ideas to freshen up the stale, weekend-long marketing campaign that is the current Pro Bowl:

Tony Romo vs. Brett Favre in a Gunslinger contest
Both quarterbacks duel in an old-fashioned, fun-loving gunslinging contest in which they run around, make throws across their body, throw off their heels and chuck the ball into the air while they are falling down. We could also simulate shotgun snaps over their head so we can see how they each free style a broken play. They will be judged like gymnasts, with a perfect score of 10.0. Think of it as a floor exercise style display of gunslinging adeptness.

Jake Delhomme vs. Jay Cutler in a completion contest
Each quarterback will have three wide receivers running routes with only one defender to cover them and unlimited time to make a throw. The quarterback with the least amount of interceptions wins. If neither quarterback can complete a pass and have the same amount of interceptions, then the quarterback with the least amount of fumbles during the competition will be awarded the victory.

Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens and Roy Williams in a receptions contest
Each receiver will stand ten feet away from Peyton Manning who will then toss them light, easy passes as if warming up before a game. The receiver who drops the least amount of passes wins. If no receiver actually manages to catch a pass, then all three receivers will be beaten severely by Jared Allen.

LaDanian Tomlinson vs. Matt Forte in a yards from scrimmage contest
Each running back will have ten attempts against an imaginary defense to not slowly run to the line of scrimmage and fall down. In the unlikely event that either back gains a yard from scrimmage, that back will win the competition. In the likely event that each back gains zero yards from scrimmage against an imaginary defense, LT will be declared the winner in a Lifetime Achievement Award sort of way.

These are just a few of my ideas, what suggestions do you have?

…touchdown!


extra point…

Hey, did you guys know that Peyton Manning’s father, Archie Manning, once played quarterback for the Saints and now Peyton is playing the Saints in the Super Bowl? Peyton also grew up in Louisiana cheering for the Saints. It’s true! Also, New Orleans was apparently nearly leveled by a hurricane a few years ago, and the Saints played a big part in the healing process. That is also true, you can look that one up on the internet if you don’t believe me. Did you know that, according to pundits, Peyton needs to win this Super Bowl to validate his career? I wasn’t aware, but whatever. If you didn’t know these things (and many more); get ready for them to be rammed down your throat for the next week and a half of Super Bowl super hype. You will be dreaming about Archie Manning throwing long balls, near-Biblical floods and young Peyton wearing a paper bag on his head by next week. The hype machine is all fueled up for an extended run.

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 19 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 19 in the NFL:
Boss Hog has the Jets flying high! R-E-X, Rex, Rex, Rex!


in honor of edgar allan poe’s birthday…

nevermore…

...quoth the Ravens, the 2009 season is nevermore!
...will Anquan Boldin play for the Arizona Cardinals!
...this season will we be subjected to Tony Romo’s douchebaggery!
...will we see LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines as a Charger!
...this season will Ray Ray and Ray Ray Jr. dance during player introductions!
...will Kurt Warner play for the Arizona Cardinals (unless eight figures are involved)!
...this season will Wade Philips stare out at the field blankly and bong Diet Dr. Peppers!
...can Phil Rivers be mentioned in the Manning/Brady/Brees conversation, regardless of stats!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Norval Turner is probably the only coach in the NFL who is scared enough of the Jets offense to onside kick with 2:18 left in the game while holding two timeouts and the two-minute warning. Seriously Norv? Not only did the failed onside kick chop 35 yards off your field position in a field position game, it allowed the Jets a four down set they would not have had at their own 30 yard line. They would have run three times and punted the ball back to San Diego with around a minute left on the clock. In related news, the Chargers gave Norv a three-year contract extension this week, so there should be plenty of other coaching mishaps in the years to come. Also, this loss marked the fourth straight playoff loss where we’ve been treated to multiple shots of an either injured or ineffective LaDanian Tomlinson sulking on the sidelines. No word on when he will receive an eight year, $165 million dollar extension from the Charger executives, but it should come before the end of the week.

Good lord, I don’t normally like to revel in other’s misery; but seeing Tony Romo get batted and tossed around like a baby seal caught in a killer whale feeding frenzy was just too much fun. I can’t remember a quarterback taking a beating like that in the Divisional Round in my lifetime. Normally, playoff teams have football fundamentals such as pass blocking pretty much figured out, but not the Cowboys. But we must give credit to the Vikings and their fearsome defense, Keith Brooking. They had the perfect game plan to stop Dallas’ vaunted pass offensive and their three-headed monster at running back. It seemed as though Dallas’ only defensive strategy was to stand there like a hippy on acid at a Jefferson Airplane concert in San Francisco in 1967. Mesmerized by the sights and sounds. Pathetic. Seriously Keith Brooking, if you didn’t want the Vikings to score that last touchdown, then you should have played some defense. You don’t play on a Division II team in the NCAA Keith; you play for the Dallas freaking Cowboys. There is no mercy. That much would have been proven to you if you would have spent another second jawing at the Minnesota sidelines. Jared Allen was about to “hit you in the mouth, hit you in the face, knock you to the ground,” and all the other ridiculous things you say in your pregame pep talk.

The Buffalo Bills are now accepting applications for their vacant coordinator positions. After being spurned for interviews for their vacant head coaching position not once, but twice, over the weekend before settling on deep backup Chan Gailey, the Bills have expanded their coordinator search to include candidates without any football experience at all. The ideal candidate will have a college degree, preferably from an accredited four-year program, but degrees from community colleges will also be considered. The candidate must be comfortable in severe weather (snow showers as early as August, blinding, apocalyptic blizzards by November) and they must be willing to relocate at some point in the next few years (Los Angeles, Toronto or England). The right candidate will have experience feeding soup to octogenarians so that they can work side-by-side with the team owner, as well as training in the baby Heimlich maneuver as the Bills have an infantile wide receiver who has now taken to choking in big situations. Above all else, applicants are advised to never combine the words “wide” and “right” in any sentence or in any way, shape or form. Ever.

I don’t normally like to waste my time with Hall of Fame discussions as they mean nothing to what is actually happening in the NFL, but now that Kurt Warner has been reminded what an NFL hit is like and will definitely be retiring; the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame discussion seems to be happening. Let’s remember a few things before we order his grizzled, Jesus-loving bust for Canton. Kurt Warner won one Super Bowl. You know who else won one Super Bowl? Trent Dilfer. Is he going to the Hall as well? Hell, Rex Grossman played in a Super Bowl; does that give him a 50% shot at Canton? Kurt won that Super Bowl with one of the most ridiculously stacked teams of all time (offense and defense), and he couldn’t win it the following year with essentially the same team. His role in the Greatest Show on Turf was to hand the ball off to Marshall Faulk and either throw the ball really far to a young Torry Holt, or check down to an in-his-prime Isaac Bruce. You or I could have probably done two of those things. He was easily rattled, he always turtled on phantom pressure after taking a big hit, he lost two Super Bowls and his wife is really annoying. I know it’s really neat to think we are watching Hall of Fame players play football, but let’s not get carried away.

…touchdown!


extra point…

There has been a lot of talk this week about how the Colts put on a “boring” performance in their slap down of the hapless Baltimore Ravens on Saturday, and I don’t understand it. The Jets and Ravens are applauded for their defensive beat downs yet the Colts are criticized for the very same thing? That was a nasty, swarming Indy defense and if you can’t enjoy a game like that, then you just don’t like football, period. The Colts are not the high-flying, high-octane offensive juggernaut of years past. They plod along on offense with eight minute drives and kill teams at the end of each half with a score. The defense is just plain nasty and they have ditched the “bend” portion of the “bend but don’t break” defense of yesteryear. Now they just break the other team. I guess those “experts” calling it a boring game would rather see a bunch of turnovers and touchdowns and pretty fireworks, but that isn’t football. These were the same people calling the ’07 Pats “classless” for running up the score but didn’t so much as mumble a peep when Brett Favre tossed his last touchdown Sunday on a play-action pass to his tight end. I don’t have a problem with what Brett did, but these same people calling the Colts game boring were the same people complaining that Belichick and Brady were running up the score two years ago.

…in honor of nate kaeding and shaun suisham…

…no good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 18 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness presents, Week 18 in the NFL :
Playoffs??? Playoffs?!? Don’t talk to me about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs!


the real scores of the wild card games…

…Cardinals 95, the Packers 87. The last team with the ball loses!
…the Cowboys 46-9 over the Eagles. The Philly WR’s feet were open all game!
…the Jets over the Bengals, 5-0. Ochocinco changes his name to Chad Over-Rated!
…the Ravens lead 28-0 midway thru the 1st quarter when the NFL enacted the Mercy Rule!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

The Packers had Neil Rackers, and they let him off the hook! The Pack doesn’t just play a team in the third game of the preseason…the Cardinals are who the Pack thought they were. It’s why they took the damn field! Now, if you wanna crown the Cardinals, then crown their asses. If you don’t want to crown them, then I will. There isn’t a team in the NFC that can score with Arizona, and as gross as it sounds; they will play in the Super Bowl. It’s time for the Warner family to go puppy shopping.

Was Carson Palmer throwing to an invisible, 8-foot tall receiver during the Jets game? Did he think Manute Bol was out there running routes? What was the deal, Carson? Maybe he has the bizarro version of the disease that Donnie McNabb has which causes him to whip passes at his receiver’s feet. If Donnie thinks that his receiver’s are secretly Dig Dug, then Carson must believe that his receivers have the leaping ability of Tom Chambers from Lakers versus Celtics (and the NBA Playoffs) for the Sega Genesis. Bengals fans waited 75 years for that? Who dey now Cincinnati, who dey now? Dey a team that gets whipped by Mark Sanchez in his first-ever playoff game, that’s who dey. Pass the paper grocery bag; I think I’m going to be sick.

Continuing the theme of miserable quarterback play…Towmy? Was that really you? Joe Flacco completed four passes for 34 yards and actually had the better day than the legendary, super-clutch, baby goat loving, fashion icon superstar, Tom Brady. I believe that’s known as a brow-beating, Towmy. All of Boston must have been crying teahs into their beeahs on Monday morning. I would feel bad for them if they weren’t a miserable bunch of big-mouths…the Pats that is. And Bostonians too, I guess. That playoff embarrassment couldn’t have happened to a better coach/team/city/fan base/Bill Simmons. That’s right Pats fans; this is the equivalent of a giant middle finger in your face.

Quick tangent: Leslie Frazier, you are officially this year’s Rooney Rule chump. Stop. Just stop. You are allowing NFL teams to sidestep the rules and exploit you. Someone has to step up and decline an interview. Let it be you. It has to start somewhere. Don’t be the token African-American interview. It is embarrassing. You are a great defensive coordinator and you will get a head coaching opportunity one day. Don’t lower your standards, especially for an organization as miserable as the Seahawks. Maybe since I’m Caucasian, I don’t have any business writing about this issue, but I feel strongly that some NFL teams are taking advantage of eager young men to satisfy/exploit a perfectly legitimate rule handed down by the NFL.

…touchdown!


extra point…

If anyone out there can explain LT’s Electric Glide video, please, please do. So far, my only rationalization is that LaDanian is a huge fan of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim and wanted to make something Awesome Show-worthy. If this is supposed to be funny, then it is. It really is. If it is supposed to be serious, then it is definitely the most hilarious video ever posted on YouTube. The best adjectives to attach to it are “unexplainable”, “inexplicable” and "surreal". I’ve watched it 15 times and counting. What it do? Wave to your mom, she's in the stands. Throw that flag, challenge that call. It wasn't a good call. I didn't like that call. Naw!

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 17 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 17 in the NFL :
You play to win the game, unless you’re the Colts, Saints and Cardinals


where...

…the Bills turn back the clock to 1993 and crush the Colts!
…13 of the 16 games played had little or no effect on the playoffs!
…week 17 provided us the outcome of three of the four wild card games!
…the New York football Giants tuck their giant tails for the second consecutive week!
…thanks to all three people (mom included) who read this blog nearly all regular season!
…Matt Leinart was benched in the midst of a game he knew since mid-season he would play!
…Pittsburg is the first defending champ to not make the playoffs the following year since Pittsburg!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

The Denver Broncos, who started this football season at 6-0 only to finish 2-8, missed the playoffs by losing a do-or-die game to the woeful Kansas City Chiefs at home in blowout fashion. The Chiefs had never won a game at Invesco Field prior to Sunday, going 0-8 there in the past eight seasons. To make matters worse, head coach Josh McDaniels (a one-time undefeated head coaching sensation) benched star receiver Brandon Marshall for not being “invested” in the team for suffering a hamstring injury and demoted his best tight end, Tony Scheffler, to the practice squad for still unclear reasons. Great job Josh! You were the only potential budding branch of the Bill Belichick coaching tree 1/3 of the way through this season before apparently being attacked by emerald ash borers and withering away into a hollow, broken twig lying dead on the ground all while somehow proving, once again, that Belichick is a selfish, arrogant ass hat. If I was a Broncos fan, I would have torn out my own eyeballs and stomped them under heel after watching Jamal Charles gash the Broncos defense while the offense had no real punch with their two best playmakers on the bench. Marshall will look pretty good in a Baltimore Ravens uniform next season, and I guarantee his next head coach John Harbaugh won’t inappropriately call him out after watching how he handled Ed Reed’s injury for the past month.

The Philadelphia Eagles were shut out, stomped and outright embarrassed by the Dallas Cowboys in typical Philly fashion. Andy Reid wasted timeouts and screwed up the game clock, Donny Mac threw tons of passes at his receivers feet and whipped fast balls at their back shoulders as they were running 100 mph in the other direction and the defense fell completely apart in the most inopportune moments, which happened to be nearly every play they were on the field. But what really has Philadelphians chugging Lagers this week is the fact that the Iggies could have locked up a two seed in the NFC and the bye week that comes with it with a win, but will instead be the sixth seed and play the Cowboys in Dallas again in the first round of the playoffs. Upon realizing that the playoffs are played in January and not in December (when Dallas typically struggles), Philadelphians had this sort of Lagerific reaction. You stay classy Philadelphians!

Chris Johnson proved that he wasn’t just talking at the beginning of the season by breaking the 2,000 yard rushing mark (2,006 rush yards from scrimmage) and could have threatened Erik Dickerson’s rushing record if the NFL’s most self-aggrandizing, game-changing, camera-loving referee Ed Hochuli hadn’t called back his 65-yard touchdown run on a bogus holding call. Great job, Ed! There is a penalty on every single play in every game of the season. You just don’t call back a breath-taking, potential record-breaking run like that over something so silly in a game only being played for CJ to break 2,000 yards and beyond. It really is mind-boggling the performance that Sonic the Hedgehog gave us this season. In an era of oft-injured prima-donna skill players, CJ put together an old school display of durability and toughness coupled with world class speed and quickness last seen in Barry Sanders. If the Titans had won one more game and made the playoffs, Chris would have been the obvious league MVP. Thank you Chris Johnson, from the bottom of my heart. As an aficionado of smash-mouth, run first, defensive football; you were a bright spot in a season filled with roughing the passer penalties. Great job.

On the final Football Night in America, Tony Dungy said that he would have coached the Bengals to beat the Jets in a meaningless game for Cincinnati. Hmmm, I seem to remember a game a few seasons ago when Tony had a chance to keep the division rival Tennessee Titans out of the playoffs by beating them at home and thereby allowing the harmless Cleveland Browns into the playoffs, only he benched his starters and allowed the Titans a narrow victory and ultimately a scary third matchup of the season against Tennessee in the playoffs. I will never forget this transgression as it was the moment I turned against Dungy as a Colts fan. Tony’s statement on national television also reinforced what kind of double-talking, hoodie-fearing kind of guy he really is deep down inside. But Tony can’t be blamed entirely, practicing what one preaches has never been a strength of most Christians.

…touchdown!


extra point…

This is the end my friends, the end of the regular season. 17 weeks of glory, and now (mercifully in many cases) only 12 teams remain to play out the post season. The regular season is indeed a marathon full of peaks and valleys, wild speculations and over reactions, Sunday kinship and beer guzzling. It is the true essence of the NFL. Even Rams fans have a sense of hope for the first few weeks of the season. It is truly what makes America the land of the free and the home of the brave. Thank you to all who share in this passion throughout the land, to those who share my modest living room on Sundays, the Blue Doom Crew, and to those in far-away places who phone, text and e-mail throughout the season; we are brothers and sisters of an unbreakable bond. What we share with others is all we have. If we share but mutual passion, then we have shared our souls. Thank you. I hope to have some post season ramblings over the next month and a week.

…it’s good!


ps…

Making the Gaub Blog is, for sure, my early highlight of 2010. Great job LFG, great seeing you and the Reaper King, friendo.

…beyond belief!

Necessary Roughness, Week 14 in the NFL

NR presents…

A Super Skimpy Week 14 in the NFL :
There’s a strange Brown stain on the Terrible Towel


where…

…what I wouldn’t have given to be at that KC/BUF game!
…as of today, the entire AFC South is in the hunt for a playoff spot!
…Dom Capers tried a 1-5-5 defensive alignment aptly named Psycho!

…beyond belief!


the wade phillips memorial 4th and goal go for it in the first quarter…

The big question from the weekend was whether or not Randy Moss “quit” on Tom Brady and the Patriots. Quit? Not even close. We’ve seen Randy Moss quit before in Oakland, and quitting for Randy means quite literally…quitting. As in, not even dressing for the games anymore, so Randy really didn’t quit on Sunday. Did Randy take run plays off? Of course. Did he not sell out on a route a few times when he thought he wouldn’t get the ball? Sure. Was he frustrated all game due to Chris Gamble jamming him at the line and playing pretty tough coverage defense? Of course. That’s the way you play Moss. All of the above is the complete Randy Moss Experience, but he didn’t quit and one would get the feeling the Panthers won the game reading Chris Gamble’s post game comments. The thing about Randy is that he is a transcendent talent, and if you shut him down for 24 plays, he will usually burn you for an 80-yard touchdown on the 25th play. He didn’t on Sunday, but the Pats won the game. New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis shut Randy down twice this season, but the Jets only won one of those games. I’m a little concerned that Gamble and the other trash-talking Panthers might have kicked a sleeping dog. This is the exact kind of motivation that Bill Belichick and the other Pats need to unleash a batch of Mike Tomlin Fiery Hell on the NFL. Maybe the Panthers motivated the Patriots on purpose so that the NFL playoffs will be even more exciting while they are sitting at home in January watching the games and wondering who the new head coach will be or if the NFL will move their team to London. Great job Panthers!

…appropriately stuffed at the goal line!


ps…

Rest in peace Chris Henry. Your life ended as it existed, one wild ride. Hopefully you’ve found the peace you couldn’t find in this life

…back in full next week!

Necessary Roughness, Week 13 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 13 in the NFL :
Adam Schefter is the first to report that there are two undefeated teams and a to-be-named-later head coach is on the hot seat


where...

…I almost had tickets to the CHI/STL game!
…you’ve been flexed, New England Patriots!
…Vince Young plays great and only cries once!
…The Browns play a game and manage to always have 11 men on the field!
…Gary Kubiak should have been fired immediately after Chris Brown’s pick!
…The Pride of Pittsburg, Bruce Gradkowski, returns to raid and pillage his hometown!
…let’s not forget there was a NYJ/BUF game on Thursday! Actually, forget that happened!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Well Mike, I’m not really sure what kind of hell the Steelers unleashed on Sunday, but it wasn’t the really scary kind of hell. It was more like the kind of hell that a tiny kitten might dream up during a mid-afternoon nap. The Steelers didn’t even unleash enough hell to beat the Raiders, which doesn’t take a whole lot of unleashing, really. It might seem though you were being cautious and double-leashing the hell you control Mike, because it seems as though if you unleashed any hell at all (even a little bit), the Steelers would have been able to beat the Raiders. It was more like the Steelers opened up a can of purgatory on the Raiders’ asses. Just a whole lot of not doing much, really.

December is a special month as it includes many great traditions such as gift giving and receiving, good will towards man, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and the total collapse of the Dallas Cowboys. That tradition was officially uncorked in Week 13 as the New York Giants (who hadn’t won a football game in 40+ days) stomped the Cowboys in every way imaginable as Wade Philips stared on in disbelief and an assistant eventually had to use string to keep his mouth from hanging open and drool from pouring out of the corners. Indicative of the “Christmas Creep” the Cowboys traditional December slide actually started the last week of November this year as Tony Romo took some personal time to go to Vegas with some of his Cow boys. Miles Austin was even photographed flashing his huge, Baraka-esque smile with a cocktail waitress under each arm. Great Job Tony, Miles, Wade and the rest of the Cowboys! Great job! This is the exact kind of thing all the Colts and Saints are doing right now as well. Quality ownership creates a quality organization which creates a quality football team. Great job Jerry Jones!

It looks like everyone’s fashionable Super Bowl pick and in-general dream team, the Minnesota Vikings, aren’t as great as many people thought. I almost jumped on board that bandwagon, but then I thought about the fact that their offense is centered around a running back with a forced “chosen one” identity and a proven history of multi-fumble games, a 40-year-old quarterback who has looked 32 all season but can turn 49-years-old in a matter of seconds (or at the drop of a few degrees), and Brad Childress with his Hackers headset. That’s a pretty shaky trio to headline a potential Super Bowl team. Has anyone forgotten how Brett’s last few seasons have ended? With tears, and lots and lots of interceptions, that’s how they’ve ended.

Matt Forte revealed to a Chicago newspaper that he has had a hamstring issue since training camp, which could be a reason why he has had such a statistically poor season for the Chicago Bears. Really Matt? This sounds a lot like “the dog ate my homework.” An excuse for having no excuse really. The real problem you are experiencing this season Matt is that as an NFL running back you lack the speed, power, quickness, explosiveness and overall skills required to even be a low-level running back. You look like a CFL running back in the NFL Matt. But let’s humor this hamstring issue for one second. You say it’s been lingering since training camp Matt, but I find that hard to believe. That would mean your hamstring never healed through the months of inactivity you had at the beginning of the season when Jay Cutler was chucking 55 passes a game. It’s December now Matt. If you’ve had a hamstring issue since August, then the Chicago Bears trainers are the worst in the business, and your hamstring has probably detached from your leg by now and is bunched up somewhere near your knee joint. That’s my best guess.

…touchdown!


extra point…

That whole business I wrote last week about the NFL needing Bill Belichick, yeah…you can ignore that. Just pretend you never read it. It is waay too much fun to watch the once iron-willed New England Patriots come apart at the seams. The best is yet to come as they limp through December and back into the playoffs as a three seed only to get humiliated at home by a wild card. My vote right now is Tennessee.

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 12 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 12 in the NFL :
Seriously, Chris Johnson now has three runs of 85 yards or more in a season. No other running back in the history of the NFL has had more than that in a career. He’s good.


where...

…Vince Young still owns Matt Leinart’s football team!
…the Jaguars have been outscored 61–3 on west coast road trips!
…the Dolphins disgraced football by absolutely quitting during the Bills game!
…ESPN’s Adam Schefter is the first to report that he is the first to report something!
…you just can’t give Chris Redman 28 chances at the goal line, he will make you pay!
…the whimpering, wilting Texans crap away another big game, great job Gary Kubiak!
…Bud Adams says “eff you” Jeff Fisher and takes credit for Vince Young's playing time!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

I’ve had a deep–seated hate/fear/respect thing going on for Bill Belichick for years now. I hate his smug, cranky demeanor in press conferences. I hate his brazen 4th–and–go–for–it strategy which flies in the face of traditional football wisdom. I fear his defensive schemes and his faith in his quarterback and I ultimately respect him for all of the above. It’s a very confusing relationship which got even weirder on Monday night. If you had told me prior to Monday that Bill Belichick’s team would be utterly humiliated on prime time television (starting with his once legendary offensive and defensive lines), that Bill would look like a tiny, deflated man walking off the field and that he would be reduced to near tears in the postgame press conference; I would have assumed that all of this would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, nearly giddy. I didn’t feel that way though. Bill showed us that he does have a streak of humanity left inside his cold demeanor, and I couldn’t hate him after that. NFL fans, like residents of Gotham City, deserve a better class of villain than a defeated old man wearing what appeared to be pajamas while he stood at the podium and admitted that the Saints were better–coached, better–prepared and executed their game plan better than his team. Bill even pulled his starters with over four minutes left in the game. Last week they were still trying to hit Randy Moss deep with two minutes left in a blowout victory. Suck it up Bill, we love to hate you. Be the despicable little man we need you to be. In professional wrestling, the most talented personas are the most despised heels. It’s easy to like a guy when he comes out with an American flag draped over his shoulders, kisses babies and has a golden, flowing mullet. The heels we truly hate are actually working hardest in the ring to ensure that no side of their humanity slips out and they stay in character. Stay in character Bill. The NFL needs every Million Dollar Man and Ravishing Rick Rude it can get.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin may have said that his team will “unleash hell on the NFL,” but I believe its already happened Mike. Tennessee Titans defensive end and longtime NFL dirt bag and cheap–shot artist Kyle Vanden Bosch was shown during the Titans/Cardinals game to have glowing red devil eyes. It was so obvious and disturbing that commentator Tim Ryan stopped mid–sentence to say, “my God, look at those eyes,” followed by several seconds of bone chilling silence as Vanden Bosch gazed straight ahead like a minotaur from hell. Pinhead, Kane and the demon from Paranormal Activity would have been scared right to Sunday church service if they had witnessed such a thing. Vanden Bosch said after the game that he pretends every NFL quarterback is Jesus, and that he will only stop sacking quarterbacks when the streets of America run red with the blood of the innocent. Great job Kyle! Also disturbing is the fact that Vince Young appears to be “getting” the whole NFL quarterback thing which is another sign that Vanden Bosch’s world wide apocalypse of death is looming some time in the near future.

There was absolutely no tryptophan needed on Thanksgiving to settle in for a long afternoon’s nap. The combined scores of the three turkey day games was 84–25. Whoa. The Packers and Broncos helped themselves to a bit of standings stuffing in the form of the Lions and Giants, keeping their playoff hopes alive while the Cowboys kicked off their annual December swoon with one last less–than–memorable romp of the Raiders. Dallas dreamboat quarterback Tony Romo plans to avoid the dreaded holiday weight gain by scrambling for his life for the next month and throwing ill–advised interceptions to NFC West foes that he must then chase down and tackle. Great job Tony! You really kicked up your undeserved pompousness and hate ability through the month of November for one of your greatest December collapses of all time, I can feel it. Tony, you are the very definition of a douche bag crossed with an asshat.

The NFL will not be complete until backup quarterback extraordinaire Chris Redman is the full-time starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins. Why not? If our nation’s capitol is allowed to have an NFL team known as the Redskins, then we must appoint a quarterback with a self-parodying name to lead the team. In fact, let’s just throw political correctness out the window for the other 31 NFL teams as we do for the Redskins. The Indianapolis Colts should now be known as the Indy Crackers. The Atlanta Falcons should become the Atlanta Black Guys. The Seahawks should become the Seattle Suicides. The Jacksonville Jaguars should become the Los Angeles Cougars. The Chicago Bears should be known as the Chicago Drunken Polocks. The Tennessee Titans can become the Nashville Kissing Cousins. The Giants can become the New York Football Jews. The Philly Eagles will be the South Philly White Trashers. The Lions should be the Detroit Homeless and the bay area can honor its Asian influence by changing San Fran from the 49ers to the Yellow Rice Bowls and the Oakland Raiders to the Oakland 10% Discounts. It can go on and on. Offended? You should be. None of this is okay, including the Washington Redskins. That entire organization, especially owner Daniel Snyder, is a black eye on the NFL. It’s a disgrace, and we should be ashamed of ourselves for allowing it to continue. Somebody should send the Redskins ownership some H1N1 infected blankets.

…touchdown!


extra point…

What is up with injured quarterbacks being listed as backup or third string quarterbacks for game day? One is either injured and can’t play, or not injured and can play, right? Kyle Orton and Big Ben have both had this designation, even though Orton was getting around like a mummy with a high ankle sprain and Ben’s brain was injured. There is about a 93% chance that an injured NFL player will become much more injured if he plays in a live game, why risk it?

…it’s good!


ps...

I believe Colts coach Jim Caldwell is a super realistic cyborg running on a set program of football algorithms and equations written by Peyton Manning. They almost tricked me into believing he is a real person, but then one day I noticed that he does not blink or exhibit human emotion. They forgot to write that into the program running in his hard drive. Maybe Bill Polian will get that updated for next season.

...great job!

Necessary Roughness, Week 11 in the NFL

NR presents…

Necessary Roughness Presents, Week 11 in the NFL:
Boss Hog and his Jets feel disrespected that the Pats didn’t take them serious and only beat them by 17 points


where...

…the Colts break out the Santi Clause in their game plan!
…Vince Young has the entire AFC South feeling a little queasy!
…the Chiefs pound the Steelers with the ground game, wait…what?
…the Raiders beat the NFC North leading Bengals, wait…double what?
…the Vikings prove they are an elite NFC team by beating the Seahawks!
…the Jaguars are somehow AFC wild card contenders! Worst 6-4 team ever!
…the Pats looked genuinely disappointed to only score 31 points on the Jets!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

The Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions played in, what has to be thus far, the game of the year. This game pretty much had everything, including a bogus defensive pass interference call on a Hail Mary at the end of regulation. To be clear, there was defensive pass interference on the play as it was called, but Megatron was also busy transforming into a backpack on his defender and the play was a Hail Mary! Come on! That kind of garbage is never called on a play like that in a game like this. Of course, Matthew Stafford did get his shoulder popped out of socket on the play, and since an NFL game cannot end on a defensive penalty and a player must leave the game for a play if they have caused an injury timeout, the Lions had the ball and goal with no time left on the clock and one play to win the game with an Antarctic iceberg-cold Daunte Culpepper under center. Only, Cleveland Browns soon-to-be-fired head coach Eric Mangini calls a timeout to game plan (which he should have done during the injury timeout) and subsequently allows Stafford back in to the game to throw the game-winning touchdown with an arm dangling at his side like a shark-attack victim. He looked like Luke Skywalker at the end of Empire Strikes Back when he ran back to his sidelines after the touchdown. It was a big day for a kid who just wanted to go into town to get some power converters. Cheer up though Cleveland, this loss virtually guarantees you of the first pick in the NFL draft (which he Browns will probably use on either Tim Tebow or a long snapper, but still).

Week 11 of the 2009 season may best be known as the week of sideline in-fighting. Brandon Marshall, being the team leader and consummate professional that he is, berated rookie Knowshon Moreno grill-to-grill for a goal line fumble until Moreno finally had to push him away. Also, train-wreck-in-coverage cornerback Terence Newman and longtime coaching moron Dave Campo (Cowboys secondary coach) had to be separated on the sidelines after a play, though both later laughed it off. Newman presumably because Campo is a moron and Campo because Newman—like many Dallas Cowboys—is not an apt professional football player, and it is unfair to hold him to such lofty standards.

Sure, Brett Favre has been a compelling story so far this season, but I have heard way too much “Brett Favre is the MVP of the league” talk, and it is really distressing to hear terms like “clear-cut favorite” and “odds-on favorite” being tossed around as well. Ridiculous. Favre isn’t even the MVP of his team. That would be All Day and the way he forces defenses to stuff 11-22 men in the box to not contain him. I would also listen to you if we were both drinking at a bar and you started rambling on about how Sidney Rice could be the team’s MVP for how he accelerates to catch over-thrown Favre bombs and how he takes short passes long to the house. I would. So Favre comes up second, possibly third on his own team for MVP yet he’s a “clear-cut favorite” to win league MVP over guys like Peyton Manning and Drew Brees? Even less obvious names such as Chris Johnson, Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald are better MVP candidates than Favre. Every one of these players means more singularly to his team than Brett does to the Vikings.

The Tennessee Titans win, Chris Johnson runs like the modern-day Barry Sanders only, gasp…faster. Nothing new to report here, right? Hold on, what’s that? Horrific Houston head coach Gary Kubiak ran a quarterback sneak to the center of the field to give his kicker a 49-yard field goal with a timeout and and time left to run another "real" play. What are you doing Gary? Do you realize that a 49-yard field goal is not automatic, and that missing a second long-distance, game-tying field goal might be career-threatening to the Texans longest tenured player Kris Brown? Are you that afraid of a Steve Slaton fumble that you chose to kick a 49-yard field goal over giving him one shot at getting you even three to five yards closer for Brown? You play to win the game Gary. What did you think would happen in overtime, Gary? Chris Johnson would have run the length of the field on your pathetic team in about 3 plays, that’s what would have happened. Run a play and either look to win the game or get your kicker in better position to win the game. Great job Gary!

…touchdown!


extra point…

The internet nerds are down on me due to this whole hot-linking issue. They are killing all my links, thus the lack of awesome visual backup in this issue of Necessary Roughness. I’m sorry geeks, I didn’t realize it was morally objectionable for me to steal pictures from you when you have so fairly stolen them from someone else first! Get real. Anything on the internet is public domain, anything! If you put your diary there, it’s public domain. It’s the internet. Don’t put things there that you don’t want people to rape every which way possible. Think of your intellectual property as your child and the internet as a posted convicted pedophile’s residence. If you don’t want your child/property abused, don’t let it near the pedophile’s house/internet. If anyone has any decent suggestions around such obstacles, I would be glad to hear them (internet geeks that is, not pedophiles).

…it’s good!


ps…

A happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful for football and you.

…great job!

Necessary Roughness, Week 10 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week 10 in the NFL :
Bill Belichick goes head-to-head versus Peyton Manning in a game of Madden ’09 and loses

where…

…the Chiefs and Raiders participate in a crap fest!
…the Redskins turn the Broncos into their trusty steeds!
…OAK punter Shane Lechler punts 11 times for 531 yards (nets 484 yds, 48.3 avg)!
…Joe Addai leaves a blazing trail to the end zone like Marty McFly in the DeLorean!
…the Saints can win every type of game, even games they barely win against the Rams!
…all Brady Quinn news is now handled by the Metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer!
…BAL burned 3 timeouts midway thru the 1st qt and would have lost against an NFL team!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Let’s get right to it:

Did Bill Belichick’s 4th and 2 decision fly in the face of traditional football logic? Yes.

Would Peyton have gotten a TD from 30, 60 or 90 yards with two minutes left in the game? Yes.

Now, I would have punted the ball if I was Belichick, but that doesn’t really matter. I also do not believe in giving a team points in strategy, but if you make the decision that Belichick made and it backfires, you must have Plan B ready. If you’ve already chosen to fly in the face of traditional football wisdom by electing not to punt, and the conversion is not successful, then your defense must allow the touchdown on the next play even if they have to drag Joe Addai across the goal line. This would have given Tommy Dimple Chin time to put together a frenzied drive, albeit without a timeout. It completely stinks as a game plan, and I truly believe that if Belichick had thought the decision through to Plan B, he would have punted the ball, but it is all revisionist history. What we need to remember when these two teams meet in the AFC Championship game is that Peyton Manning is now the one “in the head of” Bill Belichick.

In a nod to the slapstick football follies of yesteryear, the Cleveland Browns took the field for Monday Night Football and did not disappoint with a hilarious 10-man defense on the Ravens lone offensive touchdown. Instead of calling a timeout, head coach Eric Mangini and Browns defensive coordinator, The Dude, chose to comically point fingers at one another on the sidelines, followed by their offensive coordinator attempting to poke Mangini in both eyes but accidentally kicking Joshua Cribbs in the testicles instead when Mangini wedge-blocked the eye-poke. It was funny because it really hurts to get kicked in the testicles. The Vegas line on the 2009 Cleveland Browns versus the University of Louisiana Cougars (pre-Bobby Boucher) would be Cleveland +13 at FSU’s Bobby Bowden Field. Oh you Browns, you lovable bunch of completely dysfunctional lifelong losers! Great job!

The Bills have fired head coach Dick Jauron. What??? Does this mean that a 60-82 career record as a head coach, a 7-9 record for three straight seasons as Bills’ boss, a 3-6 record and 12 touchdowns scored offensively (after he fired his offensive coordinator one week before the regular season) through the 10th week of his fourth season and sole possession of the Lindy Infante branch of the head coaching tree doesn’t make Jauron a coaching superstar? Defensive coordinator Perry Fewell has been named interim (next to be fired) head coach. Perry Fewell has, among other things, been caught stealing once when he was five. He enjoys stealing. It’s just as simple as that. Well it’s just a simple fact. When he wants something, he doesn’t want to pay for it. He’ll walk right…through the door, yeah he’ll walk right through the head coaches door cause it’s his, his, his, all his…his, his, his all his. That’s right, a reference from 1990. Necessary Roughness is totally radical! I am the Chris Berman of my generation, minus 368 pounds.

For some people, football Sundays are just a romp on top of your desk with a 19-year-old student worker while you gaze at your hair in a compact mirror and ponder your inner deepness. These people are vapid douche bags and should have their giant, hook noses flattened against their cheeks. Hell, it may happen, who knows? For others, football Sunday and team marriage is a serious undertaking wrought with emotional and sometimes physical peril. Every win can be followed by a devastating loss, every loss followed by an improbable win. The peaks and valleys. We ride them out together. The peaks, as Chris McCandless realized, are nothing if not experienced with others, and the valleys (as we all know) are unbearable alone. Here’s to you, NFL fans. Week 10 and beyond is the reason chili tastes so delicious. It’s how Thanksgiving is complete. It’s the cold nip in the November air. It’s the reason we gather at 10 a.m. (PST) and scream like hell and carry on like lunatics for our favorite team and every other game happening on football Sunday. Great job!

…touchdown!


extra point…

Noted moron Jon Gruden has signed on to do Monday Night Football for years, and here I thought this was just an extended 15 week head coaching interview for Jonny. It really is time for President Obama to make this MNF situation one of his top priorities. We need nationalized MNF, and ESPN needs to be barred from broadcasting the National Football League. John Henry did not die with his hammer in his hand so that he could have cable to watch MNF. Football on Monday is an equal opportunity American ritual and it has been ripped from us by the grubby, genocidal hands of a Disney genropoly (monopoly across genres as it relates to sports, i.e. broadcast sports, hyper-journalism, sports movies and even sports franchising). They are baking the cake, charging cover at the door to get in to eat the cake, charging what they wish at the counter for the cake and then forcing us to pay them to tell us how much we enjoyed the cake. And the cake isn’t even good, but what choice do we have? We need to see across team allegiances to destroy MNF on ESPN. Colts fans and Pats fans, Cheese Heads and Dead Heads, from a Mile High to the depths of the Black Hole; unite! Can you dig it? We will not take this for another crappy broadcast. We are not okay with Ron Jaworski, Jon Gruden, “What’s Up” Stu Scott or Steve Young! We will do something that matters! This thought is a burning match tossed in the gas tank of your minds, we can come up with something! Can you dig it?

…it’s good!


ps…

That is super making up for last week when I shanked the extra point. You can call me a dancing Gramatica!

…great job!

Necessary Roughness, Week 9 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Nine in the NFL:
We all struggled to find some meaning in a Favre-less week


where…

…this guy better not get caught winking at Larry Johnson!
…the Bears were exactly who Ken Whisenhunt thought they were!
…the Orangesicles play drip but don’t melt defense against Green Bay!
…Phil Rivers wins the battle versus Eli Manning, but loses the douche war!
…the Eagles receivers would have had a lot of catches if their feet were hands!
…we all knew this week was really the undercard for next week’s Colts/Pats matchup!
…fullback Mike Sellers was the top receiver with 56 yds in the WSH/ATL game! Great job!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10...

Cedric Benson is the first running back with two 100+ yard games in a season against the Baltimore Ravens since Jerome Bettis did it for Detroit in 1997. Now, it does need to be made clear that the ’97 Ravens lacked a certain “killer” mentality that helped them dominate the league in the early aughts. Ray Lewis had not yet committed any murders, so running backs (even fat, slow ones like Bettis) were free to run the field without fear of getting shanked. The ’97 Ravens were also missing a certain offensive guru genius at head coach. A mastermind whose well-oiled offense would have worked with such precision at such a blistering pace, that a running back with a badonka-donk would have been rendered useless the moment the Ravens offense took the field and promptly took the lead. You can’t play from behind two yards at a time now can you? No you cannot.

In the interest of full disclosure Tony Dungy, what exactly is your relationship with Mike Vick? Are you his agent? Have you adopted him? We know you are a studio analyst, is this a conflict of interests? Speaking of that Tony, we are well aware of your stance on homosexuality, do you have any idea what happens in prison? And do we really even care where Mike might or might not go? It’s an awful lot of attention being paid to a quarterback who really hasn’t been effective since ‘05 and was only truly great for one season in ‘02.

During their first possession of the second quarter, the Denver Broncos and previously unbeaten coaching sensation Josh McDaniels chose to break out their patented Wild Horse offense, and here’s how it worked out: Hotshot quarterback Kyle Orton shifted out into the slot receiver position for a brief moment before motioning back into to take a shotgun snap which he then threw directly to Tyrone Carter for a 48-yard interception return for a touchdown. Great job by all! Can we call the Wild(blank) offense over for every team other than Miami? Reggie Wayne does not need to attempt a touchdown pass for the Indianapolis Colts. They have a pretty highly paid quarterback equipped with a laser rocket arm to try things like that. Even in Miami, where they are trotting out motocross stuntmen to give it a try, the Wildcat is always shut down the second time around by the likes of the Patriots and Jets. It might be time to tie the Wildcat shut in a burlap sack with a couple of medium-sized rocks and throw the entire shrieking mess in the swift-moving currents of a very deep river.

Hey was that Steve Martin tussling with Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall on the Atlanta sidelines, or was it Martin Scorsese? Neither?!? It was Falcons coach Mike Smith, or as we call him around these parts, Steve Martin Scorsese. It’s an uncanny, Wheel of Fortune/Before and After esque, three-way celebrity look-a-like discovered by NFL fan Whitey Fisk. Everyone wins. Great job Whitey!

…touchdown!


extra point…

Shanked it, even the best miss one from time to time, or maybe this is just an impression of soon-to-be-ex-Ravens kicker, Steven Hauschka.

…no good!


abbreviated mid-season awards…

MVP: Peyton “Franken Berry” Manning. Brees is a distant second.

Offensive Player: Chris Johnson. He has the best shot at 2,000 yards rushing.

Defensive Player: Jared “Con Air” Allen (or Jared Conairen). Darren Sharper’s season seems too flukey at this point. It could all just dry up. Jared Conairen is insane.

Coach: Jeff Fisher, for putting on a Peyton Manning jersey and enraging his team to 8-8 or 9-7 and sniffing at a wild card late in the season.

…great job!


the divisions and wild cards…

AFC: IND, NE, PIT and SD
Wild Cards: CIN and DEN

NFC: NO, MIN, DAL and AZ
Wild Cards: PHI and ATL

…beyond belief!


blue doom crew midseason awards…

MVP: Tie, Big Al and Partridge. Signage. Power Rod. Snuggie. Fight song. Enough said.

MVP of Intangibles: Tie, Pat and Earl.

MVP of Orange Peeling: Katie.

MVP of Sounds: DJ Clarence Duffy, ya’ll.

MVP of The Roger Waters Sponsored Wish You Were Here Bowl: Tie between the following: Reaper King, Lisa Fay, JT, Candy Man and Sister.

Administrators of Food Distribution: The Fimmanos.

Supreme Queen of it all: Miss B. Through whom all things are possible.

…great job!

Necessary Roughness, Week 8 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Eight in the NFL:
Brett Favre walks into Favre Stadium in Wisfavrein as a Favresota Favreing and favres the Favre Bay Favres


where…

…Denver is undefeated? Nevermore!
…for an extended period of time, the Lions/Rams score was 3-2, Rams!
…the Colts enter their play-down-to-their-opponents part of the schedule!
…Eli ducked and dodged the Duracells whizzing by his head on the sidelines!
…Big Ben successfully didn’t rape anyone during his bye week. Great job Ben!
…Jake makes amends for the NFC Championship game with Kurt’s six turnovers!
…there was something important about the Packers/Vikings game, but I can’t remember!

…beyond belief!


1st and 10…

Red hot Tony Romo and scorching, magma hot Miles Austin are officially new BFF’s, and Jason Witten is none too pleased. Romo and Austin are now constantly by one another’s side during practice, in the showers and even going as far as to room together on road trips. That’s right, Tony dumped Jason as his road trip roommate to take up with Miles presumably to talk football strategy, invent secret plays and plan their next high-profile sexual conquests. Terrell Owens is very pleased, though Witten has yet to cry at a press conference, publicly eat popcorn or overdose on anti-depressants.

It is officially three weeks and counting before those petulant old puss bags from the 1972 Miami Dolphins could potentially start cheering for a Colts or Saints loss. The Colts actually have to play a game against a real football club this season, so listen up all you Saints fans:

At 10-0 it gets real, and that’s when various members of the ’72 Dolphins start sniping and squawking like shriveled, featherless baby birds.

At 12-0 they turn their collective unbearable dial to 11.

At 14-0 they begin icing champagne and gather at Bob Griese’s place to watch the game. Bob has a gold, crushed velvet davenport. You will wish that a gas main springs a leak and erupts into a fiery hell at Bob's place.

At 16-0, the remaining 1972 Dolphins begin to trade their dialysis machines in for portable heart defibrillators and, in a particularly contemptible act, swear public injury voodoo upon your quarterback and coach.

Don’t worry about anything after that. If the Saints get by Minnesota in the NFC Championship game, they will be annihilated by Indianapolis, New England or Pittsburg in the Super Bowl, and the whole thing will just be over.

The Saints/Falcons Monday Night game was really interesting from the kicking game perspective (and that is the first time “really interesting” and “kicking game” have appeared in the same sentence). Jason Elam and John Carney—with Elam starring—missed three field goals at the Superdome, two of them inside of the 40 yard line. Inside of a dome. Unreal. Carney is especially disappointing for his part since he has been doing this kicking thing since before the Tecmo Super Bowl in '91. Visored Saints head coach Sean Payton also broke new ground in the timeout arena; using his last of the game to ice the Falcons on a final, desperate onside attempt. An onside attempt can really only be run three ways, and Payton’s icing of the kicker showed the play the Falcons had chose to run. Pretty solid coaching Sean, great job, but you still wear a visor.

Why not get racy with this last down? Why can a tall, white pocket passer like Matt Ryan throw up a disgusting performance like Monday night, yet guys like Steve Young will go to bat for him afterwards and insist that he is still learning? He ran directly into a defensive lineman for a sack four times. Vince Young helps legitimize the Titans offense, Chris Johnson runs wild for a franchise record 228 yards and the Titans get their first win of the season in week eight, yet no mention of Vince after the fact. Let’s take it a step further. Jason Campbell gets slaughtered for his 29/43 for 284 yards, 2 TDs 1 pick performance under constant duress against the Eagles (a game in which his apparently healthy starting RB quit in the third quarter) and Alex Smith is actually considered adequate in a casual 19/32 for 198 yards, 1TD and 1 pick against the Colts? Make this make sense.

…touchdown!


extra point…

Owen Daniels' knee explosion is the direct karmic result of Gary Kubiak's junior-highish benching of Steve Slaton over his fumble issues. You don't bench your best playmaker over a fumble Gary, no matter what that Oompa Loompa, Mike Shanahan told you in the past. Of course Slaton will fumble now and then. He's 125 pounds and he runs like he's wearing a jet pack! It comes with the territory!! He can also bust a 95-yard bubble screen to the end zone in nine seconds!!!

…it’s good!

Necessary Roughness, Week 7 in the NFL

NR presents…

Week Seven in the NFL :
The “haves” have hot dogs, and the “have-nots” look a lot like SPAM

Where...

…there were no skid marks on Aaron Rodgers!
…most teams are bad, but a few teams are good!
…he’s no Larry Johnson, but ADP bashes Gay as well!
…Ced Benson proves revenge is a dish best served really, really cold!
…Chris Cooley bleached his hair just in time to look funny in the OR. Great Job!
…Jake Delhomme had a nightmare that he kept throwing precious kittens into traffic!
…if this continues, you might want to grab Jim Sorgi and Brian Hoyer for your fantasy team!

...beyond belief


1st and 10...

Why is Dreamy Sanchez getting so much negative attention for eating a hot dog during the football game? He was hungry. Is it because he didn’t eat a PowerDog® sponsored by Gatorade™ topped with GoMustard® (from the GM™ food division)? The same people in the sporting press that have taken issue with Sanchez would literally trample kittens to get to a hot dog buffet. Joey Chestnut is a beloved American hero for partaking in televised hot-dog-eating orgies, and Mark Sanchez can’t eat one hot dog in the fourth quarter of a blowout win over Oakland? The real shocker is that there was on-field hot dog eating in a Jets/Raiders game and it was not being done by Rex Ryan or Jamarcus Russell.

I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit sick over Leon Washington’s injury, but not due to its Theismann-esque goriness; but because I added Washington to one of my fantasy teams where every conceivable tragedy has occurred within my stable of running backs other than an on-field compound fracture. This includes a H1N1 scare. So it’s pretty much my fault, and I probably should have seen it coming. My bad, Leon. I hope you make it back on the field next year, and I hope the Jets reward you for the way you were playing, even though you turned down a pretty sizable contract at the start of training camp. But still, that was gross.

The New Orleans Saints won in gritty comeback fashion on Sunday and many pundits insist they’ve won every “type” of game they’ve needed to win thus far to prove they can make and win the big one. This includes games against the Lions, Bills, and Jets. What about the “type” of game where they play the Indianapolis Colts or the New England Patriots? What about the “type” of game where they play the Pittsburg Steelers or the Denver Broncos? Hey New Orleans Saints, are those little mice scampering around back there in your backfield or is that your quarterback Drew Brees and decoyback Reggie Bush? Oh, Sean Payton, you like to wear sun visors? You like to wear sun visors. That’s the joke, it’s you and your sun visor Sean Payton. Your team plays in a dome. What are you doing? What will you do in a cold, outdoor game on the road in December? Oh wait, I should have guessed. Why do you hate the cap part of all hats, Sean? Why?

Possible dialogue from Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico during the third quarter of the Monday Night Football game (a scoreless quarter in one of the most disgusting MNF games in recent memory):

Gruden:
Hey der, ahhh…Jon Gruden, coach for hire ‘ere, and-a I wanna take a minute ‘ere da talk for just a second bout line play. It’s impordandt. Dese lineman are really, really big; both on the offensive and defensive lines, an dey really gotta fire out and win dose really impordandt, really hard battles goin’ on dere in da trenches. Ahhh…right, Jaws?

Jaworski:
That’s right Jon!!! In the National Football League, there’s absolutely no substitute for good line play in the National Football League!

Tirico:
Kill me.

Now the fourth quarter:

Jaworski:
…I don’t know about that Jon, I’ve been around the National Football League a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of things in the National Football League, but I’ve never seen a team voluntarily choose to have only 10 players on the field. There’s just no package like that in the National Football League.

Gruden:
All I’m saying ‘ere Jaws is dat I think dere can be a specific strategic advantage to maybe commin’ up with a few packages ‘ere and dere that could utilize only 10 players an really just harness the element of surprise. Kinda like the Wildcat! Only with 10 players an ya just snap the ball to the quarderback like normal, only there’s no runnin’ back…

Tirico:
Sorry to interrupt guys, but while you were talking Jason Campbell threw a touchdown pass to Fred Davis. I hate you both.

...touchdown!


extra point...

If we started a campaign and all gave a dollar, maybe it would be enough so that we could pay Jim Zorn off, and he could just mercifully quit as head coach, void his contract and stop making that face that he made all Monday night. That was nearly as big a disgrace to Monday Night Football as broadcasting it on ESPN.

…it’s good!